Bursting With…

I have no idea what’s bubbling up in me today, but I just woke up filled to the brim with excitement. It usually happens when someone’s made you feel immensely appreciated the night before.

Martine took me out for dinner, a movie, and some drinks. Since the day I met him, I knew there were parts of us that simply wouldn’t go together. For one thing, he’s just far too disciplined. Cupido certainly knows the problems that will come out of liking, and behaving affectionately towards, me, but when I asked him if the rest of his employees found it queer, and maybe just a little bit prejudiced, he said, ‘You know what? I don’t give a bleeding damn.’

I CAN understand Martine’s reservations, and to me they are beyond reason, but when I look it from his point of view, they aren’t. In fact, if I were him, I’d not have anything to want to do with me, ever again.

It was all rather strange. I figured, well, all right, so we’re not to be seen together, so… can I like… hold you hand? In the theater, it was even more peculiar. The thoughts that ran through my mind were, anyway. Don’t laugh. It made me feel like I was 12. I didn’t want him to think I was trying to provoke him a little into taking me home. I was, certainly, but it wouldn’t have been a problem if he didn’t. So for awhile, I wondered if I should cuddle up in the theatre. But he initiated it anyway and couldn’t let go of my hand the whole time.

He sent me home. And just before he’d left me, he actually asked for a kiss. Which I gave most generously. Too generous I think, for his taste; there had been a couple of people around.

There’s the little evil girl in me that’s trying to lay him, just Because. The more you are denied something, the more you want it, and I’m frustrated just thinking about it.

It must be noted that when it comes to non-sexual relationships, I am perfectly useless at understanding how things work out. I’ve never dated anyone ‘for a time’ before sleeping with them. I’d asked Martine if this was a little odd.

‘Oh? You mean people here actually date for awhile before them have sex? How peculiar.’

‘I wouldn’t know. I’ve always had sex, then decided to date. If the sex is going to be shitty, why bother.’

Without sex, honestly, I’d be too lazy to bother to date. Dating is tiring. You have to put on nice clothes and go out and be in public places where you have to observe all these codes of conduct. I’d take eating pizza naked over a DVD any damn day. With the occasional dinner and holiday, of course. I enjoy dating, and I enjoy looking pretty for my date, and guys have to do that sometimes, for the sake of reaffirming their appreciation though wanting to do nice things for me. But sex is the easiest, most pleasurable, non-stressful way to pull a relationship together and make it stick.

I used to think that maybe I need to sleep with people because it gets them to like me more. It does, certainly, But it’s a like you more in a romantic sort of way. It depends on the sort of relationship you’re aiming for. I’ve never slept with my best friend. Well, I have actually. We shared the same bed many times on holiday, but that’s beside the point.

People have their faults, and I don’t like seeing them. Women who see too many problems with their partners are clearly not having enough sex with them. And uncannily, this is not a hypothetical situation.

xoxox