Melancholy

The G-Spot asked if I’d like to drop by his place late last night, and I did. I wasn’t going to have the time otherwise, and he would be leaving this weekend, so I thought I’d just better. He was lovely company as usual, and we cuddled up in bed watching Stealing Beauty, a pretty bizarre movie with Liv Tyler and Jeremy Irons in it.

It was great spending the night cuddling with him. I don’t actually I feel so much sadness as I feel melancholy.

‘How’s the past year been to you?’
‘Not fantastic. Quite boring actually, but I did meet some cool people. You’re definitely one of the girls I’ll remember, I’ll miss you. I really like you; we’ve always been chill, haven’t we.’

I couldn’t disagree.

‘Wish I’d had more time with you though.’
‘Oh yeah. I’m sure I pissed you off several times pertaining to that’
I laughed and shook my head. ‘Not really, no. Maybe once or twice, but otherwise, you’ve always been great. The first was the time you put me in a cab when I clearly wanted to go home with you…’
‘Ah that. Well, you know how you’re always wanting to have sex when you get drunk, and I’m just too tired. It’s not a good thing to reject a girl in bed, so better at the exit of a club…’
I shrug and snuggle into his tummy (not that he really has one. It’s more like a washboard then a stomach) ‘And the other time was when you scooted from me after the play. I’d not seen you for so long then, and I really, really wanted to spend some time with you..!’

Oddly, we didn’t talk about the girl he’d fucked on his bed, while I was sleeping upon it too. That was weird, but it’s one of the things that happened with him around that I remember most. Down to the last bit where I drooled all over his arm the next morning, and he was completely chilled out about it.

He had to rush off the next morning because we woke up really late and he’d some appointments to make up for. I’m not the only person he’ll be leaving behind, that’s for sure. I texted him to say I’d really miss him, and he replied likewise.

I actually think he really would like to see me again. He keeps asking me if I’ll go to that school in the city where he’ll be leaving for in a couple of months. I actually think I will. He’s really one of the few guys I feel completely great with, and would not like to forget. Ever. I think there’s him, Martine and Ethan, in no particular order really.

I really must fix up my schedule for the next few months. If Ethan and I work out well this holiday, I will go visit him in May. Then Chris should be taking me to Paris in March, I think. I’ll try to bully him into it. Things are looking pretty fun indeed.

Martine made me sad today though. I’d been busy for a long time, and so had he, and tonight was actually the only night both of us could take some time out, and he had to leave me half-way though the date. Apparently some insane ex-lover (he has many of those) called him up confirming then canceling then confirming again her stop-over to Singapore. It really pissed me off because I thought he was crazy to compensate my company for hers, since he kept on saying that she was crazy.

He’d just called me to say that she’d arrived at the airport and was going to spend the night with him. I don’t suppose I’m really upset about it, just really annoyed. At any rate, there’s nothing I can do, I don’t wish to stress him out any more then he already is (it’s not his fault he can’t refuse women that demand so much from him, and I hate seeing him stressed out). I feel like screaming and punching him in the face sometimes, right in the middle of the street, but I know that’s no use. He’s probably just tell me to fuck off. The only way to do it (and I am doing it) is to play the guilt factor.

He had been insisting I go home for about 5 minutes as we walked back to his place, and eventually I gave up trailing him and made a turn.

I was very hurt of course, and I looked at him (with the most hurt expression I could muster). ‘Come here.’ I told him, tugging the collar of his shirt. ‘Kiss me allright, I’ll leave you alone tonight if that’s what you want.’

He looks at me like he’s really distressed. ‘It’s not what I want señora. I know I’m too soft, I really should do something about myself, but I can’t refuse her now that she’s on her way down already. I suppose I should have denied her when she emailed me a couple of days ago…’

‘You really need to be harsher then. You’re compromising everything you’d rather do, for things you’d rather not! Liz, now here, not that I should be presumption and presume you’d rather be with me then her of course. Yes darling, you need to be harsher.’

He pulls me towards him and presses my forehead against his and whispers, ‘So I’m practicing it on you.’

Of course I knew he was just teasing, but just there and then, at that point in time, it was what I felt (although I know as sure as hell he wasn’t doing it intentionally). But I looked at him completely shocked and not to mention, quite mad.

I know he does sound mean, disrespectful, and just plain inconsiderate to my feelings, but I don’t really blame him. I make it sound as if I’ve none anyway. Oh Martine, it’s allright, it’s fine if you have to wake up early tomorrow, it’s fine if you’ve to call Liz in the middle of the night, it’s fine of you’ve to play me out to fetch a psychotic ex-love from the airport and let her sleep with you tonight. I’m allright, I’ve things to do at home.

‘Yes, I’m fine. I’ll see you, going back to work out.’ I told him, trying to pry myself away from his hand grasping my shoulder.

He sighed, picked up my hand and walked me down a little further along the street.

‘I just don’t see the point in you coming over to my place. I’ve to call Liz when I get back, then I’ve to pick up that woman from the airport…’

‘I appreciate how you try to spend quality time with me, but sometimes I’d just like being around you, you know. It’s so frustrating. Never mind, I’ll go home, maybe I’ll see you tomorrow.’

Fuck whatever. He is taking advantage of me, and I know it. And I can’t do anything about it. If I give him an attitude, he’d just not bother with me. I know he can’t stand attitude. All I can do is look hurt, and feel hurt, and hope that he knows it. Basta.

xoxox