I don’t really write much about the whole racial thing any more because I generally don’t like to think of people in terms of the colour of their skin. I think it quite unfair actually, how so many local people can find it logical to slander someone based on their choice of lifestyle and partner, and accuse me of being racist against my own. If I am racist against my own race, then so are they, because last time I checked, I’m still Chinese, and damn proud of the fact that I am.
Concerning myself with my own ethnic culture is not something I do at all, but this is what I was born into, and if you cannot do anything about it, then why not just be proud of what you were given?
It is shocking how people easily determine SPGs (I actually don’t quite like the term, because with some people it’s a demonizing, racist label, but let’s just stick with it for convenience’s sake) as trash just because of their choice on partner. I do not see why that should be, since people are people, and should be allowed to pursue what they want, to the business of no one else. It is completely absurd. Just because my partner has white skin, I’m trash? Perhaps. Because if my boyfriend were Chinese, then that’ll be more normal, and therefore I cannot be cracker-scrap. But if you think logically, and know that skin colour is just a fucking colour, then I would be chink-trash.
But whatever. That’s the way the world behaves with racial minorities. If they’ve a better lot in society, they’re hated, and if they’ve a lower lot, they’re mocked. And better or worse, we’re all parodied. The answer to avoiding that is to get married after graduating from NUS to a school-mate (preferably of similar race, and from a top-notch Junior College), buying a HDB flat or a condo in the suburbs, and having 2.1 kids.
II find it fascinating always how some people can accuse me of being shallow in my romantic/sexual preference for white guys, and then proceed thereafter to judge me based upon my looks. Or how they can say my choices, based on affluence and generally what I find attractive is shallow, materialistic and prejudiced, and then later on proceed to spite me by saying that I’ll never find true love because after-all, ‘no one wants a used bicycle’.
So we’re both equally shallow. I base my choices for a partner on affluence and looks, and you base yours on looks and a figure (i.e. how many people the individual has slept with in the past).
Have you ever noticed how moral bigots are always accusing other people before actually looking upon themselves and realizing how full of bigotry they are themselves? Some one emailed me the other day, saying that he didn’t think he’d like to come on and live in Singapore, because people here come across as incredibly shallow. The women especially. Well, people here are incredibly shallow, and insecure to boot, but not just the women. If you take a look at the local men’s magazines, you’ll see the men can be equally as bad. But somehow, for some reason, the pursuit for physical beauty is more accepted then the pursuit for wealth. Women are under pressure to look gorgeous, while men suffer status anxiousity in the striving for affluence, but the former, for some reason or another, is more easily capitalized upon.
I’ll say it: As a demographic, I hate both local men and expatriates. The former, because they’re cruel in their insecurity, racist, and chauvinistic. Sometime ago, a friend of mine had her modeling portfolio scattered all over a local forum, and the boys there were all saying horrid things like how ugly she was. She isn’t vaguely unattractive; and my conclusion is that they are intimidated by confidence in smart and beautiful women.
And I hate expatriates, as a demographic, because they somehow seem to be given a better lot in Singaporean society. The ones I know personally generally deserve the pay and the benefits they get, and I believe most of them actually are talented enough to warrant their salaries. It is not that they are overpaid that upsets me, because they aren’t, but that local people are underpaid. That (I think, and feel free to disagree, but politely, please!) companies give them greater and more opportunities to succeed, then they do with their local employees. But of course one must always consider the fact that most of these companies are not local in the first place, and would therefore –perhaps- feel an affinity towards expatriates from where the country of their origin (note I did not say white expats, but rather expats in general). Actually, THIS article will say exactly what I’m feeling.
Above all, I think this society just need to grown up and become comfortable with itself. In the past year, I know I have. It is completely untrue that I feel affection only towards white guys. I generally relate to the people I have relationships with as people, whatever colour their skin and whatever standing they have in life. No way do I think they are superior to us as a race, but as romantic partners… let’s just say, to each her own. I know what I prefer, and no one has a right to criticize that. I don’t criticize the local boys for being shallow for wanting a 34-22-34 figure on their women (I still get emails for local guys saying that I’m fat, believe it or not. I’m completely resigned to the fact that I’ll never be slim enough for them, so why even bother).
You want to know what I think about Singapore? I cannot say I hate it, because I do not, but I’ve no feeling for it either. What I feel is this: I want to get out. And maybe that’s why I generally don’t like the company of local men, because too many of them are too rooted in the country. The truth is, I’ve no problem relating to those that do not; the ones that want to leave as well. Fine, I’m not patriotic, but was there ever a doubt to that?
Oh, I am proud of being Singaporean. There are so many things in this country to be proud of. But just like how I can be proud of the fact that I actually made a good physics student, back when I studied physics, but yet hate the subject quite violently at the same time; I can think this country is delightful in so many ways, through observing it passively, but feel absolutely repressed and suffocated when I actually realize I’ve been living in it for far too long.
And someone actually made me think about this the other day, and I’ve come to the conclusion that one of the reasons why I like dating expats is the fact that they help me escape. I’m getting out of here soon, but in the meanwhile I have to make do. It’s nearly embarrassing I think, this constant striving to break away from the nauseating uneventful-ness that characterizes this place. I’ve no idea about why I feel this way. All the world strives from the same mundane things, economic growth, smaller waistlines, more and more material possessions. But somehow, I get the sense that all that does not characterize the existence of many other societies, as much as it seems to characterize ours. It’s the whole question of who’s living to work, and who’s working to live.
I am completely disturbed, upset, confused and betrayed by this society.
Aside from the fact that I believe all individuals should strive for completely independence on one’s self, I never criticized anyone else for the choices they make in the way they wished to live their life. And I do not see why they should criticize mine, or anyone else’s. (But this society, darling, has nothing else to do but criticize and complain).
It has always occurred to me that it is always the people who think they are completely ‘moral’ that attempt to hurt other people by insulting and condemning. But seldom the other way round.
I hate this place and I want to go away for a very long time.
xoxox
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