Update

The past few days have been unforgivably hectic. Martine is very upset at me, for some stupid reasons. And he thinks I get jealous over Liz sometimes. I asked him if he was really sad for her that her grandmother has died only because I was wondering if he actually could care for her, or was he simply just doing things because he had to do them. Of course he probably felt a little sad, but to quit his plans for the next coming months to visit her just because of that? Maybe it’s because I feel too little for anybody else but myself.

Ethan is coming by tomorrow afternoon, and I really felt like I needed to cancel on Dr. Seuss, because I really couldn’t do it anymore. Not for the moment anyway. There just has been too much sex these days, and you really get sick of the bodies that never cease to be around you. Oh, I know them and I like them, and I should shoot myself for drinking myself silly the past few nights and then deciding to call up fuck buddies. And before I can even manage to get my dates in order, Chris calls me up to tell me that he’s in Singapore. And I know he came down only for me, and not for any business dealings what so ever, so in a way I feel partly obliged. He’s easy to be around with anyway, so not as if that’s difficult. But I’d really rather stay at home in bed and sleep until Ethan arrives and let my body sort itself out.

To cap it all up, my daddy’s leaving the country tomorrow, and I missed lunch and dinner with him yesterday, and would like to try to put in breakfast with him before I leave for an inordinately long time. I am just irritated with myself. Completely annoyed. I never think people can get hurt or upset, until you realize that they do care enough to feel hurt or upset. Stupid.

I feel like just going away and forgetting everything, and getting rid of the silly entanglements I’ve managed to cause though that pointless, insatiable appetite for people. And it’s not even as if I needed them to feel good about myself, they just seem to amuse me. As I probably amuse them as well, so fair is fair.

I think I’ll literally take this hour by hour. Chris till late tonight, then I’ll come home and have breakfast with my dad, before picking Ethan up at the airport and saying goodbye for a while.

I’ll still post, pictures and things too I suppose, but if there’s one thing I can say about it all… Him visiting me again was nothing like how I expected it would be, nearly one year ago. Nothing at all. More then anything, I feel like it’s a relief. To just get the fuck away from every single mess, to cool down a little. If I had a lot and a lot of money, I’d not come back for two months. And may be I won’t. But then again, there are those bloody college applications to take care of.

This sucks. I’m going to run on the tread for an hour.

xoxox