Shit.

I don’t know what to do.

Last night, I met a college infatuation, had a couple of drinks, straddled him in the cab and strapped ourselves together with the belt. I told the cab to turn back though and stayed alone at Greg’s. It would just have been too troublesome to have go home the next day from his place.

I don’t know what to do with M anymore. Nothing has ever been so complicated or embarrassing before, and I really don’t like being in the relationship anymore. I will absolutely not accept people making presumptions about me, and he has made one too many. And made me feel like I was selfish, when I really am not. He thinks I am and that I’m emotionally blackmailing him (at least I think he thinks that I am), and that I’m self-absorbed and spoilt. At least that was what he made me feel like when I bumped into him at the café yesterday after spending the whole morning working a resolve never to see him again until he’d asked for it first. (Even the best laid plans go to waste).

You won’t believe what a loser I was. I bumped into him, he said hi, and the first thing I said was, ‘hey, why don’t we go back to your place’. Well, seemed like a good idea to me, he lived about a 10 minute walk away anyway, and it would have been a better option the coffee joint. In the opinion of my Alice, of course. (Yes, my pussy has a name).

So he went on about himself and all his problems, which seemed rather big, and I felt like mine were absolutely trivial (which is true, because he is my only problem. Do not even try to figure out the irony in that one). I asked him what he would like to have happened if he could have everything better, and he told me he’d not talk to me about it until it was discussed with Liz first.

‘You seemed like you have a lot of problems, surely you can talk to me about the rest.’ But of course I knew the big problem was Her.

So I got the impression that everyone was trying to take something from him without returning anything, and that was the thing that irritated and upset-ed him the most. So I thought I’d be nice and make him breakfast the next morning when he got up; 9 sounded like a sensible time. He called me up when I suggested that in an sms, and basically said I was crazy, 9 was too early, and what was wrong with me.

‘Huh? I just felt like doing something nice for you.’

‘I really don’t have the time. Bla... bla… etc…etc.’

Essentially, I don’t have time for you tomorrow morning, I’ve got to go to the office to complete some work, and you cannot force me to make time for you. Also: You are not allright, what do you want from me, because I cannot give you anything, are you sure you’re happy, I don’t think you are. And why are you sms-ing me about making breakfast for me on the Sabbath when you’re having a drink with your friends. Then, Goodbye. Click, followed by a dead tone.

Me to myself, ‘What the hell was all that about! He could have just said he didn’t have the time. Jesus.’

So you’re complaining you have no friends, and that everyone wants to take something from you, and when someone wants to try and do something nice, you think she’s crazy? It’s your fault you make time for the people that only demand from you.

Oh, and also, ‘you’re leaving the country soon, so what’s the point.’

Oh my god. I thought I got out of that state when I stopped dating conservative local boys who thought about marriage and a HDB flat at 24 and then cheating for several years after that with other girls in Hotel 81.

This is crazy! I mean, of course I’m trying my best to understand him, and give him space, and he is under a tremendous amount of pressure (that it is mostly his fault non-withstanding) but it is so irritating to have my kindness indicted. So it’s my fault that I’m trying to be nice? You could have refused politely.

That other woman is crazy too. I’m like, get a fucking life and snap out of it already. He’s given you all this money, so for heaven’s sake, try to stand on your own god-damned feet. If he wants to help you, that’s great, but stop blackmailing him. If you really cared, you wouldn’t, bitch. And I do care, and I’m not doing any good for him at this moment, because nothing I do is taken positively anymore, so I’m going to leave him alone, and so there.

Okay, so she’s gone through tremendous hurt and doesn’t have a blessed life as I do. I can understand that, but trying to make someone do something he doesn’t isn’t going to make you any happier. He’s helped you thus far, can’t you help yourself. It’s not like marrying him would solve all your problems. You’re only suffering the hurt because you’re too weak to help yourself.

God I really… Ugh! I hate to see him like that. He shouldn’t be like that. All the beauty in what we had’s all ruined now. When I told him I only wanted him if he wanted me; he got it wrong when he said I couldn’t demand his affection. I call a spade a spade, and that is what it is. I wasn’t demanding his affection. I loved him because he desired me. And now that he doesn’t, I don’t. Period. I want to be there for him, because he’s done something for me emotionally, among other things, but there’s absolutely nothing I can do now. And in fact, doing anything would just make things worse.

Oh everyone is crazed. I’m going to HK on Wednesday to meet Chris. Thank god for people who know what the hell they are doing and who have got their shit together.

It’s either he married her or he didn’t. With her, it’s that way, and it’s her own stupid weakness that she can’t appreciate the now. God damnit.

You know, whatever. I don’t give a shit anymore. I don’t tolerate stupidity and half-assed-ness, and sure the sex was some of the most amazing I ever had, but what does that matter if you make me feel embarrassed about my own fucking emotions. Like I didn’t matter. Sure, I have no problems except for you, how trivial. It’s like there was something so damned noble about being insecure and being hurt and being unable to cope with it all. I’ve got my shit together, and she doesn’t, that’s all there is to it. Maybe misery is an essential criteria in order to be his lover.

Oh fuck it. I can’t blame him. He never did me any harm; made me sad and mad, but never damaged me, so what the hell ever.

!@##$$%