Tediousness

My parents and I seem to have a never ending amount of pointless arguments. So many it’s annoying, and definitely pointless.

‘The bible has rules that you should follow for your own good.’

‘But the rules were meant to bring out our faults, weren’t they, so that we’d know whatever we do, we are hopeless failures and resigned to accepting Christ as our only hope.’

‘But if you don’t follow them, nothing good can come out of your disobedience.’

‘I am happier now that I am not trying to follow them then when I was.’

Oh good lord. Anyway.

There’s something I’m rather puzzled about. Indeed if the laws were made to bring out our faults, then how can anyone possibly be expelled from church because they were gay, especially if they can’t help but be gay, just because the bible says it’s wrong. God had disciples of all sorts, and there were saints from both genders, but shouldn’t he have made it a little more fair and included homosexuals as well. And for that matter, why doesn’t the bible say anything more about it than, if you’re gay, you’ll be sent to hell.

It follows naturally then that if you were Christian and would be going to heaven, then you cannot possibly be gay, because you cannot be going to hell at the same time. But according to both the Catholic and Anglican church (among others), that is totally possible; that an individual is both gay, Christian and God-loving. In any case I know what I am. And I still believe in the idea of a caring God.

My mother has asked me how much money I want, after me having told her all about Chris (except his age). Apparently she doesn’t want me to feel obligated to him.

I told her I was in no way obligated to him. I went out with him because I wanted to, and because it pleased me to.

And besides, her money only ever came with conditions that are no fun, and she’d been using it all my life to control me.

‘You do that, and it’s a little too late to rectify it now, and I know it hurts you when I say it, but at least now you know what not to do, if you don’t want Tori to do what I’m doing… But that’s not it. I’ve no problem going out with Chris, and having him buy me nice things and give me money. It’s not like I’m going out and sleeping with him when I don’t want to because I need the money, I do it because I like doing it. It’s just like any other normal relationship, just that I happen to be lucky enough to have a guy so into me who can afford to be generous.

It’s either you’re just like everyone else, and have these innate beliefs in the virtue of poverty –or in a more modern day context, an obsession with being so damned bourgeoisie- or you’d rather I be controlled by you then by him, because you think you have my best interest at heart and he doesn’t.

And certainly his support for me is conditional, and it’ll not be forever, and I cannot allow it to be forever. I’ll always make sure I have the freedom to do what I will, whether it’s with you or him. But I do know that he’ll not leave me stranded in dire straits. In any case, I know I won’t allow myself to be stranded and caught up in a situation that I’d rather not be in. I actually do know what I’m doing, and you must stop saying that I don’t because you don’t know me enough to actually have the right to say that.

The only problem that exist as far as I can see is that you have an entirely different perception from mine of what should or should not bring happiness. Marriage and monogamy are not instant ingredients to happiness and you know that. And both of them are not for everyone, especially not when I’m my age. They are both a discipline, and yes, good discipline can bring happiness; but in my case, it’s more like forcing a musically disinterested child to play the piano every day.

The only difference is that no one ever loses out by learning a skill, but what you are suggesting in my case is that I suppress who I am. And that’s different, because I have just this one life, this one year, and this one day to live, and there’s never going to be another like it, and I’m not going to forfeit that for the future.

And anyway, the fact that I have not been asking any money from you, and will not ask, even if you ask me to ask (but I will take it if you put it on my desk, because that way it’s a gift and not something with a condition) is proof enough that I am not the sort of avaricious slut you think I am. I will only take money that I believe I deserve, or that are purely gifts. For heaven’s sake, I won’t even allow a guy to buy me a drink if I know he believes that entitles him to a dance and a sneaky grope at my tits. Even if I’m physically attracted to him, I’d tell him to fuck off if that was the way he made me feel.’

I only said about half of what was in there, but it was enough I suppose. I especially needed to tell her what a witch she was being each time she withheld my allowance from me when I didn’t behave. But it certainly made me a lot cleverer in figuring out ways to survive in the world when I can no longer depend on them. (And I’m not only talking about finding rich boyfriends, although that was a plus side, and it was -and still is- the easiest and most lucrative option).

I don’t think I’ve done many things commercially to make myself money, but all that tight-wad-ness on her part has certainly made me force myself to try my best to be as cleaver as I possibly could.

xoxox