I Tried!

I have behaved so badly and felt so shit the last few days. After Greg turned me out of his place (he didn’t exactly, but the atmosphere was so bad and I was so ashamed I left when he went to take a bath) I called up Élan, but he turned down my call (no idea what’s wrong with that dude, but I’m sure he’s got a good excuse, he’s not that childish) then Cupido, who didn’t. He picked me up and took me to his new place and tried to shag me. I was just not in the bloody mood. I like hanging out with him because he makes me laugh, but we’ve got no chemistry whatsoever between the both of us.

Anyway, I went around all day feeling like I was the crappiest, most unworthy worm in the whole wide world. For a whole lot of reasons, but mostly because I’d really hurt someone I truly cared for, and also cuz I felt like I couldn’t trust my self any longer.

At about 8 pm this evening, I decided I was going to apologize properly, and whether he wanted to return forgiveness in kind, that would have been completely up to him. But I just knew I had to apologize, it wouldn’t have been right for him to call me back first, since I was the one that ruined everything. And I just knew it was the right thing to do. I’m sure it made him feel a lot better; I really took an effort to put something together (don’t cringe. Chocolates, flowers, a card and a novel).

Whether he can ever trust me enough again, that really doesn’t matter. I understand enough. He’s been such a gem I would be the world’s most cruel person to not have wished him goodbye before he left the country for a few weeks elsewhere. I don’t know how these things work out, but man, I can’t believe his feelings actually matter so much to me, because normally, most people’s feelings don’t. And I suppose it’s because I don’t feel what they feel; this is actually kinda different, and I’m quite… it’s a good relationship, and I couldn’t allow myself to have fucked it up without trying to do what I could so at least, if nothing else works out… at least I could have said I did what I could. Heh.

But hey, it taught me a very valuable lesson, one that I’m not going to forget anytime soon, and I’m pretty damn sure it cleared up somethings with him too. Like for instance, I am a very unreliable emotional investment.

xoxox