If anyone’s wondering where to purchase Astroglide, apparently the sex shop in The Arcade has it. I’ve been looking all over town for it and haven’t been able to find it at an pharmacy or anyone of those places that one would presume carried good lubricant. They carry lubricant all-right, just very bad ones. The fact that all these places only has that glue shit stuff Durex comes up with is proof that either the bulk of Singaporean women are so horny and wet all the time no one really needs a good lubricant, or that people are just too cheap to want to pay more for a good lubricant. Because sex isn’t all that important, as long as the guy can get it in, come and starve off declining birthrates… that’s all we really need of our pharmacies, really.
I’ve been shagging Greg all night and all day long, and it was great. He’s very sweet, adores me to bits, and smells lovely all the time. I woke up at
‘Did you get out of bed at all?’ I asked him, knowing full well that staring at me couldn’t possibly have been the most engaging activity in the world.
‘Course I did, I bought things to make breakfast with. Eggs, basically. Do you want me to make you some tea? And you were sleeping like a brick, as usual. Did I snore?’
I laughed. He did, but for about five minutes in the middle of the night, and that was it. I’ve only ever slept with a guy once that snored, and it was there and then I decided I was never ever going to sleep with him again. I beat him on the head about three times during the night, he didn’t wake up, didn’t stop snoring, and only pressed himself closer and held me tighter. It was horrible. I wasn’t even physically attracted, but I’d been bored then and there was no one else.
That aside; I went to get a hair cut today, after a long time of not getting my hair cut. It’s lovely now, not as boring, a lovely bright red, and it moves. Shorter hair bounces and moves, longer hair doesn’t. That’s what I like about having my hair relatively short. I would have cut it all off if not for the fact that a whole lot of people would be quite sad. I never knew the importance of long hair until I started to have it, men really do treat a good head of hair like a completely individual entity.
My mother and I had a very lovely talk over lunch yesterday. She was a lot more accepting of the person I am then I thought she was. I finally got her to see that sex to me was not a big deal at all, and that the only problem she had with me was that I wasn’t hung up on sex as something so terribly precious to be given only to the one you love. She said some things that I’ve always wanted to tell her was wrong, and I finally managed to put it all together coherently yesterday over paneer panini (dense sandwiches filled with spinach creamed with cottage cheese), completely yummy.
‘You’re being materialistic by dating Chris.’
‘I’ll be materialistic if I went to work too. Because either way, I would be working to pay for my material wants. Technically I have everything I would need at home. The only difference is that I am spending my time far more productively with him then working at some dead end desk job. To me, dating him makes all the sense in the world.
He takes care of me and takes me around the world. And it’s not like I don’t like sleeping with him, the sex is great, and if I want to get out of it, I can. And most guys really don’t like sleeping with women who aren’t interested in sleeping with them. Sex is really not such a big thing to most people in the world and you know it. Chris isn’t just doing it for the sex, it’s part of why he’s crazy about me, and I am consciously aware of the fact that sex is a power card I am instinctively playing, but it’s not all there is to it. He likes me for who I am. There are loads of other girls he could be with, who are much less of a maintenance in terms of cost, and who are surely much more faithful and less of a hassle, but what can I say? He really does like me.’
‘You are missing out on so many things by dating him!’
‘No I’m not. I’m missing out on dating stupid, immature, selfish, bastardy boys who’s redeeming factor to you is that they are my age and they are marriageable material. I couldn’t’ click with them, I’d eat them alive if I don’t beat them to death first with my shoe from sheer frustration that they are all so idiotic and full of themselves. And anyway, our values would never click, I’m too different from most of them.
‘And for heaven’s sake, marriage is something over a decade away for me, what am I missing out in the meanwhile? Of course every hour I spend with say, one of my guys is one hour less I could be meeting someone I could marry. But are the people I could marry, these… boys… worth my time more then anyone I’m dating now? If I dated one of them, I could have missed out on another one, and the story goes on forever doesn’t it. That’s really the problem with so many people these days. There’s always someone better.
‘Well, there isn’t. If you’re having a great time with that person, there is no one else better. I’d rather spend my time with someone whom I’m fully comfortable with then with many people I’m not. I’d rather take care of myself now then take care of my future, because that doesn’t yet exist, and you can only take care of the things at hand because you know where everything is. It’s not only easier, but more practical.
‘And you have to understand that we are very lucky as a family. Daddy’s a great guy, you met him early, and things just worked out. Marriage to you is like the ultimate recipe for happiness, because things worked out for you. But it’s not the same for everyone, there are people who find it a torture to keep the marriage together, to not cheat, to stay together for the kids. There are people who are happy wife swapping, who are happy living together and raising children while having other people in the story. People with shitty marriages who see other people secretly and are better off doing that then attempting to try to keep things together. There are gay couples and lesbian couples and to you they shouldn’t be happy because it’s just not the route in which you have found happiness with. It’s what’s in the bible, and it’s suppose to bring happiness, well there are people who follow that who aren’t. You’re lucky you had an easy route that fell into place easily with your value system. Not everyone will have that.
‘If God created all of us with different personalities, and we respond differently to things so insignificant as what sort of food we enjoy, surely all of us would respond differently to the bigger things in life, like marriage and how we are all eventually to find our own happiness.
‘Not everyone is like you, not everyone is like our Pastor, not all pastors are like our pastor. You will never see things from my view, it’s just like how a colour blind individual will never understand the colour red or green or whatever it is he cannot see. You’re blind to the way I see things, I can explain, and you might see the logic, but you’ll never understand. And I’ll never understand you either.’
My mother is also obsessed with passionate courtships and quick marriages. My father courted her for about three quarters of a year before they got married, bought an apartment together and then had sex. She thinks long courtships with sex in it equals failed marriages, marriages that get boring, equals both parties getting bored with each other, because after all, they’ve already had sex, why get married. (Because part of the reason she got married was so that she could do it, and wake up with my dad beside her, and all that romantic stuff.)
Apparently there are people who get married, and the sex and sleeping together turns out bad, and then what? (Like for example, he’s too small, or she stinks down there all the time, or one of them breathes through their mouth, or sniffles all the damn time in bed). Then there are people (my cousins for example, whom my parents certainly know personally) who have slept with other boys before, slept with their fiancés for years, both casually and then because they were passionate for each other, who have gotten married and given up everything (and I’m talking about a lot of things. Like their medical practice and a good business) to raise a family in an economically insignificant place. Are they any less happy because they have slept with each other previously?
I got her to admit that she believed that people should get married because they just know. And when marriages break up, it’s got nothing to do with how long the courtship is, or what has happened previously, or even who the other person has cheated on with. It’s a matter of whether there and then, they mutually want for it to keep together, or they don’t. It’s like coming to a cross road, and no matter what other crossroads they have taken together before, it’s where they go from there and whether they decide to go down it together or not that matters.
If every individual were different, then every marriage must function differently.
Our morality today is not the same morality we had back in the Middle Ages. Nudity is bad, sex is bad, for heaven’s sake, back when people still lived in the jungle, what did either of that matter. I bet a lot of religion was just cooked up when people stopped having to be on constant alert for predators and in the need to scavenge for food all the time that they started getting bored and using their creativity to do silly things like why I’m more superior then you are. And morally superior people are all the same. They are too stupid to think (if they did think at all, they wouldn’t be holding some of the things they’ve deemed as truths and roads to happiness) and are generally just too lazy; keeping to a strict moral code is easy if you don’t like to think. You just have to stick to it.
And I am not reasoning my sins. I don’t even feel any guilt as to what I’m doing, if I don’t feel any guilt, then I must not be sinning (I trust my instincts better then a book I’ve not read the original manuscript for, and even if I did, there are too many puzzles in it for me to ever know if I’ve put the pieces (verses) together right for this or that piece of advice). And even if you think I am, I cannot possibly be reasoning them because why would I need to reason them if I don’t even think they are sins in the first place? I just come up with perfectly logical reasons for people who think I’m perfectly illogical in my immorality. And I think my arguments are mostly sound. In any case, they are more sound then the silly reasons people give me as to why they are not.
Before Greg left today, he asked me if I needed any money to tide me through the week.
‘For Christ’s sakes, I don’t want your money. You’re so lovely I wouldn’t ask for it, and I’m too fond of you. But you can pay for the lubricant if it’ll make you feel better, that stuff’s bloody expensive in my opinion.’
‘Hah, it’s not as outrageously priced as C’s beauty products, God knows what they’re supposed to do for anyone. Skin-rejuvenation, Extra action cleanser, what the hell.’
‘And you don’t even know if that shit works, at least I know the Astroglide does.’
xoxox
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