Finding Out.

Oh, less then 24 hours back in sunny Singapore (where my fingers don’t freeze and I can workout out-doors) and I already miss the G-spot. It’s no big deal; I only really miss how sweet he is, and the cool ideas he has for the films he wants to make, his thoughts about people and books and the odd characters we’re all bound to have to deal with at some point in our lives. And of course I miss getting warm under the sheets with him.

About-a-week sure passed quite fast, and I am always amazed at how much I seem to grow up each time I allow myself a new experience (which is all the time, as often as I can afford it). I don’t think I’m the same person now as I was before I left, and I am definitely not the same person now as I was at the star of the year. There are lots of things, of course, but one things for sure and I am glad for it. I am a great deal calmer now.

Martine called me once while we had been shopping for cheap wine and I realized I wasn’t fazed by him any longer. Which is really good, because I still like him; but we all know the more desperate we are for someone, the less we mean to them. What a god-awful paradox, but such is the joy of life. We didn’t talk about much, mostly over things concerning the recent media hoopla. He still sounded rather fond of me, but that was never something I doubted.

The G-Spot and I were talking about how unfair it all was, the other day on the Sky Tower (lovely view, with the whole of the city snaking below during rush hour past sun-set. The best city panorama is gotten after the stars have come out, but who doesn’t know that). How unfair it is that someone might make such a big impression on someone else’s life, and the sentiment isn’t returned. We all know how that feels. When someone means the world to you, and seem to have changed your perspective on life so much, and altered your plans for the future, and you find out that they are not as decided about where you fit into their life as they fit into yours. And it’s just no bloody fair, and there’s nothing we can do about it.

I’ll always wonder why some people affect us deeply and why some don’t. But I suppose its just like film, or books or music. Different people identify with different things. Sometimes I think it’s because I’m so young and I haven’t been dating for very long that even a relationship that lasts for a year would mean so much. It’s because I don’t know the effects that the progression of time will have on the connections I have with people I really like now, that I feel a desperate need to cling onto them. One of the reasons (and I told him this) I’d come down to NZ to visit was because I had to Find Out. In all honesty, I had no idea what I’d been attempting to search for, but whatever it was I am certain I’d found it. Because I feel content.

G asked me if I thought we’d still be friends a long time from now.

I told him I certainly would hope so.