Human Tradition

I didn’t feel like sex this morning. Quite amazing, I never thought I’d ever feel like it, but of course Richard was right when he said much earlier on in the relationship that we wouldn’t be having as much sex as we did at the start. I didn’t seem possible when you existed in a state of having to have sex whenever you could, as opposed to only when you felt like it (in which case, whenever you could would be the same as whenever you felt like it).

It is funny, but it’s just like all other human behaviour pertaining to life. The more used to it you are, the less likely you think it will be ending anytime soon, although the natural state of things has not actually changed in anyway. Children are more aware of death than adults are, I think, they are less rooted in life, they have less philosophical notions of it (life and death), and understand it from a visceral point of existence that is the closest to the truth.

Our neighbour paid us a visit last night, and it was one of those situations where everyone thinks, yeah, it’ll be nice to get to know each other, but the getting to know each other process is so tedious you put it off to forever. And than when it happens, it really is tedious and you don’t quite see what the point was, but anyway. It is nice to know your neighbours.

Than again, I’ve always been a self-absorbed loner, and I function very well in social situations, but I’m not particularly fond of them. The other thing I realized is that the moment sex is taken out of the equation from my relationships with men, I’m infinitely disinterested.

I’ve no idea how to deal with the opposite sex without exerting my physical desirability, and it is difficult for me to do so without. I wouldn’t come on to them of course, wanting sex and using the prospect of sex is two very different things. In the former you’re the prey and in the latter, you’re the predator. But I can’t help but cock tease. I don’t think there’s anything we can do about the way we behave around the opposite gender, the only thing stopping other girls from doing it too is a lack of self-confidence or vague notions of what is and isn’t socially acceptable.

I went home to my parent’s yesterday evening. I do miss them. In a way, I think National Service is absolutely necessary for Singaporean boys because that is the only time they leave their families for extended periods, and leaving is necessary in order for filial love to develop. It’s a biologically calling. It doesn’t need to be forever, but it has to happen.

I tried to draw my little sister, and it turned out quite nice and my mom wanted one too. But I just couldn’t do it properly. I felt like she was looking at me and saying, ‘can you really do it? You must do it properly. We’ve raised you so far with so much hard work, you can’t disappoint me’. And of course it just wasn’t as good. Anyway.

I wonder how true it is, what they say about the model's relationship with the artist. Can you see it? I don't know. I love my little sister above all else. I would like her to need me and I know sometimes she does, and she's so soft and and so strong and so serious and so mad. So creative and smart and full of feeling...



xoxox