The Awareness Rodeo of Life

I feel depressed. It is raining so very hard, Lynn is no longer in the country, I want to get out too. I feel sick of living here. There’s nothing wrong with it, but I’m so tired. I’m happy with my new life, but there’s too much past I’m so embarrassed with I will have to leave soon.

I have started writing my novel, and if there’s one thing I realize, I dislike the people I entered relationships with when I knew less about myself then the ones I did after I knew exactly what sort of person I was going to get involved with. And where it was all going. There is no reason for me to despise the first boy I ever dated more than the men that have (clearly) taken advantage of me. I didn’t mind of course, I learnt a great deal about human stupidity and how to avoid its pitfalls, but at the end of it all, we are our own greatest enemy. Our lot in life cannot be blamed on anyone else but ourselves, and no on affects us more than we do, ourselves.

The more sure of myself I became, the less I was likely to believe in stupid things that had no worth in believing in, in the first place. That was what I hate so much about my first relationship when I think back on it. It had to happen, but it was the more trying experience in the last few years. More trying than using my body and having it used, more trying than believing in relationships which wouldn’t work eventually.

Oh yes, nothing is more embarrassing than realizing that something you believed in wasn’t worth believing in the first place.

Actually… not quite. Realizing that something you believed in would have ruined a good life if you carried on believing in it is even crapper.

Not realizing it would be the worst of the lot.

I love Richard so much I don't know what more I can take to fill myself up. The more of him he gives and I take, the more it will never be enough. With the right person you don't get bored, with the right person, you can only want more. More and more and of no one else.

How so very strange.

xoxox

ps: (The other website at www.missizzy.org is crapping up for the time being. So. Sorry about that.)