The Bit and the Fly Pornographer.

"It's a Tuesday, oh god." Tom said as he poured me another glass of whiskey. It was 3 a.m. and we'd already watched the title sequence of Shortbus and "The Circle of Shit" chapter in Salò, based on the 120 days of Sodom by the Marquis de Sade. The initial plan was to have a civilized evening of Andrew Bird, some Izakaya and perhaps a drink or two after, but the drink or two turned into several soon enough when we met up with Raa and YY at Harry's, who introduced us to the "Fly Pornographer".

I asked him to explain what exactly it was that he did, and he said he was doing research in the field of fly genitalia. There are data banks of this stuff, and the penises all look and function different (after you consider the function of sperm depositing), so it keeps the job interesting. Or something. But you know, once you get me started on talking about penises and sexual competition aka The Red Queen, the night can only get funnier.

Eventually the lightweights left (I personally felt there was something else going on there *hehehe* but not for me to say... I would have been a lot less subtle, but subtlety isn't my strongest suit anyway. Something like announcing "Would you like to take me home sir?" My friends usually pat me on the head when that happens and go, "Classy").

I suggested that we all went back to Tom's place because it wasn't that far, and it would beat trying to look for somewhere to get beers and then sitting on the steps of the Mandarin hotel behaving like hobos. I don't mind the hobo life, but fuck it, his place was much nicer (I knew Raa would like it) and anyway it was time to start on the hard liquor.


Someone sent me a message on okCupid recently and he said "I have this image in my head of you inviting everyone over for a crazy party, and then everyone sees your books and they all just start reading." These people arrived at Tom's flat drunk and starting jizzing in their pants at the graphic novel collection.

We tried to find his copy of "Naked Lunch" because while we were on our way in the cab, he had started to recite the entire monologue where Bill was talking about the Man who Taught his Asshole to Talk. So of course we had to show them bits of Naked Lunch, now that we've started on it. Unfortunately it could not be found, so he put on the title sequence of Shortbus instead (where a guy sucks his own dick and comes into his mouth and Mistress Severin is whacking a guy with a whip and saying "Come on pardner, I'm gonna miss my fucking train." and the guy jizzes on the fake Jackson Pollock on her wall).

Naked Lunch could still not be found, so we put on Salò instead, just to make the night a little more weird. Everyone has their own special arena when it comes to corrupting someone else, and Tom's is really disturbing art movies that even some of his friends can not handle. I don't understand this of course, I mean, it's just an art film, what's the big deal? I would watch Shortbus with my mother and she wouldn't have a problem with it. Heck, she's seen me give an on screen blow-job (it was done with a dildo), so fuck it. But my mother is a weird one anyway, my sister and I have had conversations about male vs. female strippers with her for her 70th birthday. She said female would be preferable, men have ugly packages down there. Ho ho ho. That's why Scottish men place their sporrans right over it, for decency. Not! Don't hit me Mr. Emerson, or start playing your bagpipes...

Salò was completely disgusting. We weren't watching it very seriously, so it wasn't too disturbing, and everyone present was obviously open to weird shit (I mean, Raa is Catholic and the Fly Pornographer spends his days cataloging penises); it was a good idea, basically. Nothing like hundreds of naked people running around, screaming and eating shit. I loved it. I don't get the shit eating thing, but you know... been to fetish parties where the shit can get pretty weird in real life, so of course I'd love it. But you already knew that.

At some point Joris rings me up and asks me where I was. I told him we were all still at Tom's place and I asked Tom if he could come. He said okay sure, and I asked him again, and he said yeah, yeah he can come. So Joris came over and it was alright really, there was maybe a tiny bit of weirdness, but I don't think anyone paid any attention to it. (As an aside, Tom just got me a copy of "The Ethical Slut") They got along fine, I thought. I totally suck at cheating and being deceitful and would prefer not to, so I think this is the way forward. I never have problems being introduced to the women of men I've dated before. The more the merrier I say, quite unfortunately many men and women have problems sharing. This option is not for everyone...

Aaaanyway, Tom eventually put on his kimono and finally made good on his word at kicking us all out at 5 a.m. and we thanked him for the lovely whiskey, and went our separate ways.