Chatroulette.

I finally bit the button and went on Chatroulette. I love a little bit of randomness in my life, so it was definitely a thing I always wanted to do, but the thought of immediately being confronted with a total stranger online, which I then felt I had to entertain, isn't usually something I'm up for. It just felt like it was going to be somewhat of an effort, which it was.

Like most fun things in life, Chatroulette is fun because it’s retarded. I'm convinced that in order for it to be enjoyable, I have to be both drunk and high. Think about it as the world's sleaziest club for people that can't be bothered to move their asses from their bedrooms, but want the contact high with strangers. Or for those of us that start on a Friday night and don't stop till Monday morning, unfortunate enough to be in a city where the clubs actually close on weekends, and all our friends are out of town.

I was nonplussed about it initially. As a girl surfing the site alone on her couch, I got a lot of the usual "take your tits out". I've asked a few guys about this, and apparently the success rate is pretty bad. But you can't knock a guy for trying really. Initially, I was against the idea. I love taking my tits out in a multitude of disparate circumstances, but taking them out for a random stranger on the internet isn't one of them. The act didn't seem like one that would turn me on, or something that was novel enough for me to want to do it. There are more than enough tits on the internet already. 

However, I managed to find myself getting sucked into doing it after being on the site for a about an hour. Once I got relaxed to the idea of coming face to face with a barrage of perfectly random strangers, it became pretty easy for me to do weird shit, and for me to persuade other people to do weird shit too. But it wasn’t as if the men on the other side of the camera (because most girls hit ‘next’ when they got me) were strongly resistant to being persuade into dancing naked for me.

The site really is like a pared down microcosm for social interaction among strangers, where the main goal of the game is to persuade the person on the other side to stay with you for a bit, so you can have your fun with them.

Most of it is pretty boring. It’s just guys with their dicks in their hands waiting for a chick to talk dirty to them, or young kids fooling around after school. If I were to come up with some kind of taxonomic evaluation, I’d say there were predominantly three classes of individuals on the site. 1. Guys, and sometimes, girls, that want you to watch them do sexual things. 2. Friends that are just having fun 3. People that are trying to freak you out.

At some point, I managed to borrow MGM's Burka to play Chatroulette with. I wore it with nothing underneath and went online. My strategy was to play hardcore trance music in the background and hit next until I found someone with a suitably shocked expression on his face the moment he saw me. I’d then get up, lift the Burka slightly, and start to dance. Some of the reactions I got were priceless. Most of them just sat there with a shell-shocked expression on their faces, some however, did get up to dance with me. I must say I thought it was pretty damn weird myself.   

As if through some intervention of the Cosmic Will, I also started meeting other seriously weird people after that. First, there were the guys in the gorilla suits dancing to R and B, then there was the couple going at it doggy style while calling each other “rattlesnake” and “panda” (Honestly, what were they on!), and after, there was this dude pretending to pray with a set of rosary beads in his hands and a stuffed toy in the form of an octopus on his head. To be honest I was a little bit freaked out by some of it, but I really loved it nonetheless. I appreciate the effort some people take to fuck with other people’s heads.

Other things you could do on the site would be talking dirty to people you wouldn’t normally speak to, like really old men and 16 year old teenagers. Also, if your idea of entertainment swings towards the macabre, you can do horrible things like import gruesome stills of murder and suicide in place of the live feed from your web-cam and freak out people that don’t know any better. The possibilities are endless. Chatroulette is one hell of a chat room where the detritus of human boredom and insanity collect into one big virtual orgiastic affair of random bullshit and masturbation. I like it a lot. Possibly more than I would care to admit.