***
There's a certain sad solemnity about.

I saw my Grandmama today at the medical care centre. It was horrible. I've never seen her in such a terrible state before all my life. I just can't believe it! Just 3 months ago she was still running about minding her garden (she's got a huge, wild garden. Looks unkempts, But I think it's beautiful nonetheless) making the morning coffee after a mile long walk, going to the beach with her new grandchildren... And now she's... I really don't know how to describe it. It's just awful. You know, it's like I see her on the bed and I'm thinking to myself, oh my god. Maybe it'll be better if she just died.

I visit her twice a year every year, and Christmas with her is a ritual that's deeply ingrained within me. Every December since I was born, I'd turn up at her place, walk up the same flight of stairs (when I learnt how to walk anyway) to the same room she usually lodges me in, and I'd think, well. That was another year. Man, that was fast.

I love her, but not in the same sense I love my parents, I suppose. I don't see her that often, so it wouldn't be devastating if she were to go away. But it's everything that she signifies that I'll really miss. Without here, I doubt anyone would actually bother to call in the whole extended family back from the next Christmas; And anyway, it wouldn't be the same if she weren't around.

Usually when I visit, it'll be a happy, noisy affair at her place. You know. Lots of food, lots of alcohol -she did love her gin- Kids everywhere. Right now, *shudder*.

My uncle died 3 weekends ago. I didn't know him, so it's no big deal to me. But I can't imagine how...pressed.. my dad's sister must be at the moment. Well, first it's your husband, and then it's your mother now.

I know, this whole affair is absolutely boring and I'm really ranting on and on... *sigh*


I'm too tired to think.