This must be the first time I’m moping about people generally being unfair to me, but that’s the truth, people… MEN in particular, have just not been very fair to me at all. There have been a few nice ones, but those tend not to be romantic interests, which is ironic. But I suppose in those cases, they don’t expect anything from me, and I don’t expect anything from them, so it’s hardly possible the argument that who’s being more fair to whom would come up now, would it.
The biggest problem with men is their need to posses a woman. It’s complete bullshit, but it exist even within the best of them, and it’s a pity. In my life, there have ever only been two kinds of men, 1) the kind of men that believe they can never possess me, never bother, and never do. Guys like Élan and Mr. Big and maybe even Martine. I cannot be trusted to be faithful, and I’m not girlfriend material, but hmm… I’m actually kinda fun to know because I’ve got cute girlfriends, I’m kinda always available (because I’ve got no moral hang-ups, and if your not exclusive to me, what does it matter?) and I’m actually a worthwhile person to talk to so you don’t feel like your sleeping with some dumb chick that just doesn’t no any better. And maybe it’s good for your ego; how the fuck should I know.
Richard is the other sort of guy I meet occasionally. Richard, Chris, Ethan, the Ex from what now seems like a century ago. Men that actually love me and can’t stand the idea of me sleeping around but don’t believe I never can. But of course that’s bullshit. Do they presume that I’m so shallow as to take sex with someone I don’t care for over how they feel? Besides, a dick inside you is just like any other dick. Maybe with the exception of people like Neil Gaiman and Ethan Hawke and other artists I have always wanted to fuck just to see if they were anything like you’d expected them to be. But that really is beside the point, and isn’t much of a big deal since they probably wouldn’t want to fuck me anyway, and I wouldn’t if it would make someone I love greatly unhappy.
Oh come on, of course I know I’ve been used to service the vanities of many, many men. And it’s alright, because I’m happy enough with myself not to give a fuck whether they want me as a girlfriend or not. Most of the ones in the former category aren’t worth more of my time anyway. They were fun, and they’re all nice blokes, but that’s all there is to the relationships I’ve had with them. I’ve never been monogamous with them because I didn’t think it would have made a difference to them if I was or wasn’t. And they didn’t satisfy me emotionally, and there’s only so good the sex can get with someone you don’t click with.
Richard generally presumes that I’m not a monogamous person because I keep on saying monogamy doesn’t matter to me. Well, what the hell do you expect from a girl that grew up in an environment full of bullshit where the average male character in any from of entertainment communication is always shown as a cheat.
Throw in the fact that I’m Chinese and Anti-feminist and the kind of girl that absolutely believes a good wife should always fuck her husband regularly because that’s the way it should be (I’ve let Ethan fuck me zillions of times when I didn’t want to just because I was very fond of him and weighed my displeasure at being fucked to the pleasure he’d gain by being able to fuck me and thought it worthwhile and something that wouldn’t hurt me to do)
By anti-feminist, I’m subscribing to what O says in the finale of The Story of O. That she measured her power by how much she could tolerate the whipping and the abuse of her lover. And that’s what being a real woman is, to me. It’s not about being in control of your surroundings or your men, it’s about being in control of yourself.
Anyway, put all that together, it was a matter of either tolerating a cheating boyfriend or accepting the fact that most men are just not monogamous and not taking it to heart. I chose the latter at an incredibly young age, and my stand hasn’t changed. It must have occurred when I was still in primary school and I was incredibly naive about sex and I figured I’d rather be a whore then never have sex all my life.
If men are not going to be faithful, then I’d rather love them for what they are as opposed to forcing them into trying to be something they’ll never be and feeling miserable about it when they fail.
Sexual monogamy doesn’t matter a great deal to me. I would have a problem with a different girl a week, maybe even a different girl a month, because to me that’s pointless and it’s a psychological problem with the man. Before R, I was sleeping with maybe two or three different people a month, but I had real relationships with them and the only reason why I was still say… sleeping with Chris over the weekend in another country and then fucking Élan back in Singapore was because Chris just wasn’t sexually attractive to me and there was something vaguely depressing about it all. And Élan was the perfect antithesis to that situation.
What I absolutely demand from anyone I date and have fallen in love with is my standing on an emotional level. Fine if there are other girls, but when you sleep with them or when your out with them, you’ll always know you’ll have a better time with me. That’s what I want, and that’s what I think is more important. It’s not that I’m begrudging you your female companionship; but from a romantic standpoint, I’ll just have to be better. Otherwise I wouldn’t waste my time on you. If I’m feeding their vanities, they might as well feed mine too.
And that’s what matters to me. And that was why I was so hung up on Martine for a long time, because I believed he believed he would be happier with me, and I knew I would be happier with him than anyone else I had met, up to that point, So. Of course now I see why he was really right all along and that there was no way we could really click. I would have had to change too much.
But that monogamy doesn’t matter to me doesn’t mean that I know it doesn’t matter to other people. I don’t see the big deal about it, but it is undeniable that other people get hurt when their partners fuck someone else. The problem exist and I cannot pretend otherwise. I can’t help the other poor girls who’s boyfriends are fucking behind their back, but I can help myself.
Richard keeps on presuming that it’s part of my nature to sleep around and that I mustn’t stop sleeping around because it’s just not me, and that would mean I was changing for him and that should be the way things should be. You should be yourself.
Of course I should be myself, and the way I am is that sleeping around isn’t a big deal to me. If he didn’t want me to sleep with another man, then I wouldn’t. I don’t think he gets it, but to me, my time with him is worth it’s value in the gratification I get in return. I wouldn’t bother to sleep with someone else because it’ll hurt him and it just wouldn’t be worth my time,
So, sex with someone else would not only hurt someone I love, but it would also be a waste of my time, and an unnecessary expenditure of my emotions, and perhaps a chance at catching a nasty disease. And the sex isn’t even going to be guaranteed as good. Now, if that were the case, why would I sleep with someone else?
I think he often forgets that I’m female and unlike men, women really don’t have a natural biological urge to spread their seeds.
Of course I’d be irritated if he didn’t let me fool around with my girlfriends. I mean, I can make concessions and I can understand why most men wouldn’t like their women fucking other men. But I definitely cannot understand men that don’t like their girls making out with other women. I mean, sex at the end of the day is a huge part of what I am, and maybe that’s why I’m not straight.
I could very well be a one man woman and a one woman, woman. (Not that it matters, I’ve never had a jealous girlfriend) I’m bi-sexual. That’s my sexual preference. And just like how you can’t tell homosexuals to desire someone of the opposite sex, or heterosexuals to desire someone of the same sex, you can’t tell people like me to only like one person from one gender.
xoxox
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