Monday, September 26, 2005

Guangzhou, Girls and God.

Guangzhou is the arsehole of the world. It really, really is. They've taken off all the market stalls and food kiosks off the streets and replaced them with mega shopping malls and MacDonalds. The Chinese food there is no better than a sausage, bacon and egg fry up with extra oil, and the air will kill you. The service staff at the hotel do not have name tags, they have number tags, and there are mega traffic jams on every storey of the 5 layered 8 lane highway because the vehicles on it are mostly trucks transporting livestock and industrail waste from fuck-all in nowhere to fuck-all in inudstrial hell.

I had the strangest week stranded in a hotel in a manufactured luxury estate a distance away from the city where the well-heeled GuangZhou denizens move to when they have enough money to leave the hell of monotonous, drab, polluted exsistence along the highways of the city. (It's really, really terrible. Think the oldest, crappest HDB estate in Singapore, except 3 times as high and 20 times as expansive). Really, Singapore is a great place when I think about it. The more I travel, the more I realize Singapore's really nice to live in, censorship and the lack of easily available trippy candies aside.

So I was stuck out in this weird hotel that had an imitation of every century of Italian architecture since the 16th century dumped in together, along with Ionian pillars and motifs from Greece's golden age. It was mostly a business trip that I had no part in, but did have quite a bit of fun translating for (well, I did the translations when we went out to the some of the more informal things.) I was quite surprised at the fact that my Mandrin was good enough to get some very basic idea across. Although I didn't know how to say things like 'safe deposit box' and had to describe it as the 'thing you put expensive things in that is located in the closet'.

Richard, C and myself were mucking about in the neon coloured shopping area of the city on the first evening after we'd just had the most surreal dinner at this fat bastard tim-sum place with certain members of Genovian aristocracy; it was the most... Proper... tim-sum meal I'd had all my life. Chinese people don't really care if you use your hands to eat... much less put your elbows on the table. But oh well. Slurping your tea is a very rude thing to do I suppose.

There was this woman wearing a weird t-shirt with english words on it that she didn't understand, and it said, ' Lost Dog, reward, 5000 kisses'. And C and Richard tried to be funny while I was shopping for cheap crap in the store next door to the one she was working in and attempted to pick both her girlfriend and her up. Richard didn't of course, but when I came out, C was asking me to translate some bullshit for him. Everything was in this weird translation confusion state and I ended up asking them if they'd like to date C and one of the girls ended up saying she was really more interested in Richard, and then he started telling them that he was a priest and that he could marry the girls and C up in an instant. And all sorts of bullshit like that. And the girls asked if C was already married and I said of course not, and they refused to believe it.

We went back to the hotel and I chatted a few girls up, and on our last day there, there was this lovely girl called Autum Flower who said Richard was a really sweet chap and that we were so tian mi mi and all sorts of other romantic sappy things that make me cringe to type down. Because the truth is always harsh, and I am a terrible, hopeless romantic, Really.

Ethan has written me a couple of emails since, and he's told me it's made him very sad to have me talk about my boyfriend. But there isn't anything I can do about it, is there. We've avoided talking about our realities and the people we've been dating for so long it simply isn't a natural relationship of any sort. There's this whole part of my life he's never known about, and he's not really in love with me of course, he knows nothing about me. He'd think I was a whore if he even knew about half the things I got up to. And maybe I am, but what does it matter. My choices in my life are mine and I regret nothing.

It' been rather strange because lately I've started to feel like Richard has in some way replaced my religiousity and taken up the time I used to spend with God. Not that I used to spend much anyway, but I've just felt less need for... God. My beliefs are still the same, although I've been wondering of late if the afterlife really does exsist,

My dad used to tell me that everyone, when they approached death, would start to think about God and the spiritual. But then how about the people that died instantly in a freak accident? What then. Maybe God is just something people that cannot do anything else because they are so ill think about because it makes them feel better, and it is all they can do. I don't know anymore really. But I still believe in a power greater than myself, and I suppose that's all that's really important. Everything else in inconsistant.


Saturday, September 17, 2005

Eau de Immunity

It’s never occurred to me that dating someone seriously would make my life boring. I’ve never even thought about it before, all I knew and know is that if it feels right, then it is right, and that’s all there is to it. I’m a lot happier now; I love waking up in the morning and making coffee (We finally got a coffee machine, *grin- It’s uber cool too) before teasing him awake. His eyes will open and they will be such a brilliant shade of blue, they amaze me by how striking they can be.

I’m reading this whimsical piece of literature now called the Hedonism handbook, and I’m amazed at how subjected we are to the way we feel, physically. Our emotional states and our ability to feel emotion is all part of keeping us alive and part of making sure we die, eventually. While you’re alive, the cycle is the be-all and end-all, really, and everything you do has much to do with that. If you’re really in tuned with the way you feel, you can live life pretty well just by following your physical instincts.

There was a program on the BBC yesterday morning, and for once, after a long time of avoiding watching television with determination (because it mostly feels like a waste of time to me) I sat through a program that attempted to dissect human sexuality and sexual attraction. Surprisingly enough, there was one thing that I’ve always wondered about but never quite figured out why… and that was how the way some people smelled just turned you on and the way some did would totally put you off.

I’ve noticed this very distinctly with people I’ve slept with, and it’s finally explained to me why some guys like Richard or Martine are immensely attractive to me in bed (and the 69 is a great deal of fun) and some guys just don’t bring out anything in me… and some… I just don’t particularly want to fuck. It’s very, very distinct, and I’ve always known it had something to do with the way they smelled.

Apparently our immune systems determine the way we smell, or part of it anyway, and our subconscious is aware of that. In other words, we’re subconsciously aware of the type of immune systems we have and the compatibility of that with our mates. The more different their immune systems are from ours, the greater the attraction.

It’s strange, but there are all these bits about our physical states that we’re normally not aware of, but really matter. And it’s the reason why no one should attempt to withhold themselves physically from someone they plan to be with because making out and sex and all of that is terribly important in order to determine whether being with that person would be physically pleasing. And whether we like it or not, when we are hungry, we get pissed off; if we’re made to be with someone that doesn’t delight our senses, we’ll be fucked off. Naturally.


Friday, September 16, 2005

Ass on Buckingham

So fuck cololial-ism.

I've had too much wine now. I must have forced the firewire dick into the hole too hard and now I've fucked it up and Richard has to fix it and I feel guilty because we're going to be stuck at work even longer. How shit.

Macs are a hassel when you've been using PCs all your life, and all the bloody programs you have are PC versions.

FUCK Adobe.

What 'unleash your creativity' campaign. You know, the ads they have out these days that are all about... 'in case you have an idea while binging at 2 in the morning after smoking too much ganja'. At the price they charge for their bloody softwaresm who can afford them? They should charge them just slightly up from the prices of computer games. Then no one would bother hooking them off their friends.

I hate anti-piracy bullshit. It just isn't fair. Some people really can't afford that shit. And they really fucking need it!


What a lovely photo. Richard and I make a good pair creatively, no?
And you must agree I have a nice ass :D

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

More Personal Emails

I’ve been meaning to write to you for some time now, but the internet connection at Richard’s place hasn’t been sorted out yet so it’s been a hassle getting things online, but we’re working on getting that done.

I’ve had a few thoughts in the meantime, and a whole bunch of things I really cannot understand.

Remember the time you told me that places like Africa and Cambodia and other destitute countries were destitute because these places as a whole did not value life; I think it’s our fault that they are the way they are. The Christian countries, The States, Britain, the rest of Western Europe are the ones that have caused them their plight. We have ruined the environment for them and sent them diseases and imposed our urban population patterns on them. We’ve introduced Western materialism to these places… and I may be wrong, but the lust for a sort of bourgeoisie lifestyle must have affected the power structure of the respective governments. It doesn’t matter, but I am convinced the Christian world has certainly ruined these places, and they do not value life any less than we do.

Sometimes I really do believe we have a God that does things for his own amusement. He’s not capricious just like how we aren’t capricious about certain things; but just as we can be very certain about the important things like family /job /academic responsibilities, we can be capricious towards things and people that do not really matter. I’ll come to church every Sunday as best I can even if I didn’t promise it, but I’ll just as well forget to make a call to someone I said I would.

I cannot understand your aversion towards nudity and images of people having sex (remember the magazine I had you asked me to throw away because it had pictures of animals and people fucking). I do not see what’s wrong with it, and cannot understand how a perfectly intelligent and relatively liberal individual like your self can think it is wrong or disturbing. I do not understand how something people do themselves can offend them. I cannot understand how a naked pair of breasts in public can offend people when they see it all the time in private. It is what happens, and I will acknowledge the need to behave accordingly under the right circumstances because society is affected by it and we should not disrupt the way it is used to functioning unnecessarily, but there is nothing to be offended about. There is nothing dangerous about images of people having sex. We all will end up doing it someday. It’s a fact of life, why should we be ashamed of it? And what is wrong if it is erotic?

The ten commandments really is a set of laws that demand the opposite action of what is natural and human. In my opinion, sin isn’t the evil thing that people have made it out to be and it only exist because the law exists. The whole point is for us to realize that we will never achieve the supernatural by being human, and therefore need Christ (or months of meditation, or Allah or hash) We need something that will liberate us from our human state because the supernatural is a better state/ realm to be in. I don’t get it anymore, is God really a loving God? In the seven deadly sins, wrath is mentioned, and yet that is something that is also part of our God.

I doubt sin as we know it is present because of free choice, and there needs to be evil so that we can choose good. If we are made in the image of God than we are a perfect reflection of him, only less real and less pure and less perfect. And the fault in perfection isn’t the addition of our capacity to feel anger or lust of any of those things, the fault in perfection is that we are less able to feel these things, and less able to act on them. We are capable of murder, and so is God. We are capable of feeling anger, and so is God.

This is one of the things that really struck a chord in me when I watched Sin City. The characters were all doing the same things, only we knew distinctly which ones were extremely noble and which ones weren’t. Although really, they were the same.

I do not understand why you think school is very important either. It is a good place to be in to make friends and to while away time as we grow up and ready ourselves for the harsher world out there, but it doesn’t really teach you anything. All learning is up to the individual, you must already know that, and that’s why I can’t understand why you think it is so important that Tori go to school always. Of course she should go as often as she can, but when a better opportunity arises, I don’t think she should be denied it just because of a couple of classes.

God has many opportunities, but if I had sat on my ass and done nothing, then I wouldn’t have had written for the local paper, no one would have noticed the things I was putting so much effort into. It’s easier to find a job if you have a job, the more you snatch up the good things that come your way, the more they will come. God acknowledges appreciation I’m sure.

The way you put it, it’s almost as if you believe this part of our lives shouldn’t really exist. It shouldn’t really be for living. It is for preparing us to enter the world outside when we turn into adults. But it IS part of our lives, we still have to live it, and if life is a present to each and every human being, than it is not right that we make the most of it as we know best. And you think you know better, and I cannot deny that you do know better –things like making me play the piano when I was younger- but sometimes we know just as well, or even more-so. I mean, I have learnt so much travelling around South East Asia. There was nothing to regret, although you said there would be. There was nothing to regret about having sex with my first boyfriend, there was nothing to regret about the people I’ve dated in between him and R. I still do not regret the blog –in fact, it has given me more good opportunities than bad rep. And what do I care about the silly relatives and acquaintances that do not even really care about me anyway? The people that matter and the ones with any brains at all see that it is those people that are silly and haven’t thought about much about anything.

I cannot bear it. What if the world ended tomorrow, than would it have been better for Tori and myself and in fact all of us to have lived our lives like the future didn’t really matter as much as our present happiness, and that all that we do now in preparation for the future has also got to make us satisfied now. Because one year as a child is as long as one year as an adult, it is still part of our lives.

At any rate, I wish you would be more discerning. The people that run the school are sillier and more daft then we are. They are stuck in this mad academic world that has no relevance whatsoever to the reality of things, which is fine for those that are in that reality, but not fine of the rest of us that aren’t. People do not get any smarter or wiser or more creative with time and age, and you must know that, although you don’t seem to believe it, and I really cannot understand that. Anyway, I wish that you would see the situation for what it is, and that Tori should be allowed to pursue what she wishes to do. She’s never going to be any good as a doctor or a lawyer or one of those professions, but she’s a class theatre act… I’ve never seen anything like it, and the people at the company haven’t either. And when you turn on the television, you don’t see anything like it either. She’s completely amazing, and the more you let her do what she loves and less of what she doesn’t (and of course grades don’t really matter when you want to do what she wants to do) then the more fulfilling her life will be.

I have known too many people that lead the straightest lives, and have kids and have a boring job, and they are always envious of the people that have been able to do what they have always wanted. But of course those people will never have made it… they don’t have the guts or the determination, That’s what most degrees are for. They are for people with not the guts to do what they really want to do. Of course I exclude people that do what they do because they really believe in say helping the sick or expanding the horizons of science… such and such. But most people do degrees because they are easy. It is much harder to do it your own way, and do it well. I suppose a lot of people who went the ‘I did it my way’ way failed because they didn’t have the determination… but those that did, and had the stamina and the drive to stick to it made it eventually. And they were all the better for it.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Calmed Down

Letter to Chris, after I had accussed him of not treating me as decently as he should have. He didn't in some ways I suppose. Men don't often realize that women sometimes love them because they make their life easier and they're willing to comprimise their feelings for somethings. By that. I mean they believe some guys are 'good for them' and they'll do much and fuck themselves up emotionally and force emotional states on themselves that don't naturally exsist because they've been taught what sort of guy is 'good for them'. Which is of course all bullshite. If it doesn't come naturally, it's not good for you, period.

Of course it's alright for you to call! I would love to talk to you. Your life sounds hectic as hell... all those places, my God. I still feel embarassed about the HCMC thing occassionally, because I burst out into tears in front of one of my friends, anyway, it's over. And I never thought you were decietful. I just cannot and will never understand how men can be so selfish. I've got nothing against individual people... but men in general are just territorial and selfish and some of them are decietful too. People in general are I suppose... When relationships get more complex, that kinda happens. But somehow I cannot help but feel I keep giving and giving and people just take from me without really knowing what I want in return. I suppose part of the reason's because something was just off in most of the relationships I've had previously. There was something that left me unsatfied, and I don't think there's anymore reason than just what I feel.

I'm very happy with Richard and my sister and Lynn these days and Luna. It's like I've finally found a place, a family that I've actually gotten a chance to choose myself. I don't feel so alone anymore; I never had a problem with feeling alone really, I wasn't unhappy, but I'd always felt like I was on the brink of exhaustion. I'm working harder than ever now, but somehow I feel like everything's just less hectic, and I can concentrate on my creative work.

I look forward to your call... This week sometime after brnch is a good time because I'd be taking a
rest from writing/drawing stuff and will be just about ready for a nice chat :D I'm very happy to know I meant so much to you and still do in some way. You have been very kind to me despite the conflicts :)

Friday, September 09, 2005

Where Does it Go

You think a month is a long time, but you know it isn't. There's just not enough time to do everything I want to in a day, and that's one of the reasons why I'm living with Richard. Commuting to school is qutie a hell, but it is hell for everyone that goes to that school. Two and a half hours? Impossible. I've finished more books on the MRT then I have since backpacking around SEA. I'm sleeping 5 hours nights, drinking and shagging every evening, cramming in pointless homework and articles for a couple of publications and still finding the time to cram in a couple of hours at the gym and the cafe. It's impossible, I swear, but some how I'm still managing it. To top it off, I'm flying away, again, this time to China. One of the cosmo costal cities, thank God. With Richard of course and a couple of other people on a little project, nothing to do with sex or leather or anything of the like, I'm afraid.

It's funny, but I really like being in a stable relationship and I've no problems letting go of the lifestyle I had previously. Thinking back, I realized Martine was really quite right about a great deal of things, and I really hadn't understood what being a relationship is like. I ahd said I loved him, didn't I? Months and months back. That I really did, and I'd wait. Well, I didn't. I couldn't, and I didn't love him as much as I thought. And of course when we are alone, or in no one stable relationship, we're always fantasizing about really being with someone we're infatuated with a few years from now. It's what I call the Jeux D'enfant's syndrome. Everyone likes a romance where two people who were lovers before they fall out, have shitty lives, before they find each other again and save each other from the hells of living. But I don't think that really does happen; anyway now that I think about it, I would be completely crazy to indulge those fantasies. None of the other men were right for me, and I know it. I was as simple a thing as sexual attraction.

God really did make it simple I suppose.


Thursday, September 08, 2005

On the Responsibility of Other People's Feelings.

Don't think for a moment my life got boring because I've actually got a boyfriend now. In fact, it's far, far from it. We clocked up a relatively impressive list of public indecencies, copious amounts of empty wine bottles and an absurd collection of psuedo artistic erotic photographs.

I just realized yesterday how diffuclt it is to understand people and to really accept them for what they are. I've always accepted people for what they were previously because what they were didn't really affect me all that much, and I couldn't be bothered to change them because it wouldn't have made much of a difference anyway. But I suppose I'll have to really figure out a way to try and not shake R up again with jealousy. Difficult, since I really cannot understand the emotions that word should entail. I'm jealous very seldom, and the last time I remembered feeling like so what when the G-Spot was snogging L and I wanted to snog him. It didn't bother me that he schtupped her, what upsetted me was the fact that he did it with her when I wanted it. But that was such a long time ago, and as I remember it, I had been completely drunk then.

R got pissed up the other day because I had been flirting with one of his friends. I suppose it's not the normal thing to do in front of your boyfriend, but really, it is the normal thing people of the opposite sex do to each other any other time. Besides, what does it matter? Why is possession such a big issue for so many people (and not an issue at all with some - for example, I would encourage any boyfriend of mine to screw a nice looking, smart chick if he really wanted to, and I'm not the only one). How can some guys cheat, and then demand fedelity? Having a dick you can't control is one thing, being two-faced is inexcusible.

For some strange reason, I find sexual state reverting back to the era when I was still stuck in that god-forsaken all-girls' school where I was made to believe all boys were dirty and silly and that its better to spend your time with your girlfriends. Dear little Tori is in that state now, and in Shanghai sharing a room with Lizzie. From what I remember, Lizzie is a sort of weird, cutesy dyke character; so god knows what they are up to, but I definitely approve. I won't say girls are starting to become more attractive to me sexually, because that has never really been the case. Aestheticlly, they're great, and I do think about eating them out, but I think I just like dick too much, and there's all there is to it. Vibrators never fully do the trick, and dildos are so tedious. For my right arm anyway. But I've always liked women, and having other men closed to me now has just kinda put me back on that strange path I used to skip down years and years ago in lower secondary.

A very good friend of mine asked me if I ever felt Richard was controlling me emotionally. On top of that, R has been telling me that I shouldn't change myself for him, he'd have to get over his insecurites or he'd have to live with the way I was, it wasn't right that I should change. Funny thing is, I don't think I'm changing the person that I am. There's only one thing about that person, and it is the fact that I simply do whatever I feel is right at that point in time. Of course I'm hyper aware of myself and what makes me happy, so it works really well. I don't think the same can be said if you weren't already really sure of what you want.

I actually had an argument with him (and I seldom have arguments with anyone outside the confines of cerebral discussion, and even then. I just don't see the point in spending my time with irrational people). After a great amount of fustration had piled up in me because he got pissed off when I flirted with one of his mates, I asked him why was it that he just didn't trust me enough. As far as I know, I've done nothing that can be logically accepted as decietful, cheating behaviour. He went on to say that he'd only really known me for a short while and that I was capable of sleeping with people I didn't particularly love. You know, Like, deeply.

Well, there are people married to each other for whole lifetimes that don't even know what each other's sickest fantasies are, where her G-spot is... along with a whole load of other things. As for the latter, he'd no right to say it of course, I'd date no guy that wouldn't sleep with me after the thrid date, and no guy I wouldn't want to sleep with after the third date. And exactly how 'deeply' is anyone expected to know someone else by then?

Anyway, I've freezing in this over sophiscated computer lab in school and my heart is about to suffer from a major contraction from being too bloody cold.


Sunday, September 04, 2005

Love is Light.

I was going on to write about something else, and then R called me and I feel kinda shitty right now, and all of a sudden I realize that love always come at a price. I had a slightly biting tiff with him on the plane about the difference between love and like and that ‘Love’ wasn’t necessarily better then like. Love isn’t about the incredible lightness of being, love is heavy for most people I guess, and even I can’t help but worry a little about his feelings. And I nearly never worry about other people’s feelings. I can deal with mine, can’t they?

I just don’t get it. I’m very glad to have him; the most important thing’s that I’m really into him as a person and all of that, there’s definitely fantastic chemistry, better then the sort most other people have I suppose –there’s really nothing about me he doesn’t know, and I don’t feel like there’s much about him I don’t know…- but sometimes I really just don’t get it.

A couple of weeks ago, Lynn came over and quite late at night, we decide to take a walk down to Indochine for a drink. Richard kept on telling me he was really knackered, so it didn’t occur to me to ask him along. Lynn, oddly enough, knew he was feeling lonely when the both of us left, and he did call later sounding rather upset (like he wasn’t wanted), making me feel like I was not being fair to him and all of that. None of it made sense to me of course, and I hope it never will, because that’s where you start to enter the realm of ‘giving a shit’, and really, actually having emotional responsibility is not a good thing. Funnily enough, I think a large part of a reason I don’t understand why he was upset is mostly because I presume people naturally don’t want me around, so I just don’t bother (oh, they want me around alright, when they can get laid).

The next morning he was all clammed up and didn’t want to go to church with me, and I really just didn’t get it. Not that going to church was a big thing, despite it being something I do weekly with my parents, but it bothered me because it felt like 1) he didn’t need to care because I didn’t really care about him last night; which was bullshit of course, because he did say he was really tired and behaved very much like he was; and I am me after all. I would have been happy had Martine spent just a day in private with me on a weekly basis 2) my family wasn’t part of him (and I told him off on this. I mean, my parents have definitely come to take him into our family, it’s just not fair for him to behave otherwise) I got really upset and started crying and he was sorry for it I suppose. Not that I care about making him sorry, but the ‘since you didn’t want me last night I don’t think you need me today’ attitude.

I suppose the thing that could really upset me would be saying that I was wrong, punishing me for it, and punishing yourself while doing it. You know. Like Catherine Earnshaw in Wuthering Heights. Terribly depressing book; silly, immature mains, don’t you think. I wish he wouldn’t do it any more, but I suppose it’s all been so fast, and I am terribly unpredictable, but I can always be trusted to be honest. I can only remember disappointing ONCE in the last three and a half years and that was because I was extremely, extremely pissed, and it just happened. But we all learn. Besides, if I were predictable, what fun would that be? I couldn’t live with myself then. He’ll never have to worry about me becoming too boring. Two days of not feeling inspired, and I felt myself thinking in my dad’s car today how nice it would be if we could just choose to die painlessly when we wanted.

Why are we still alive for anyway, what was the point of it. Would it make a difference if we died today, or tomorrow, or several decades later? If Peter Jackson had died as a baby, who’s to say someone else wouldn’t make a batter Lord of the Rings film.

I love him, but I cannot bear this constant worrying about whether I’ve done something to make him feel less loved whenever I put down the phone on him, or don’t manage to wake him up in the morning before I leave for school, or whatever. But things like that work themselves out eventually I suppose. We’ll just have to do what we feel is right. And the moment that stops happening, and what is right isn’t what we feel is right, then that’s that I suppose.

Love is a great thing while it’s happening, and it’s worth to cling onto some people and some things. Reciprocated attachment can be a very satisfying feeling, but you’ve only got one lifetime to lead. You’ve only got one Today, one Now. Love is weighty, and maybe many people see it differently, but I grew up in a family that treated it very lightly. There was no ‘I’ll stick through it even if you treat me like shit’ nonsense. And it’s really better that way.

Better and more real.

Better, and more real because you’re happier, no one takes advantage of anyone else, and if love is about being happy and about hope and about a sense of freedom, then it is more real. Depression is always mostly imagined and just a fucked up state of mind for most people, happiness is usually a real cause. Something good happens, and you’re happy. The world for most of us is filled with more good things than bad ones, so certainly most depressions are just a fucked up state of mind.


Friday, September 02, 2005

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Statement of Fact.

My God. Creatively, Singapore really is shit.

My classmates have been asking me to tell them something about my trip down to London, and that really does seem to end up the predominant, recurring sentiment I seem to make out loud. But then again, that's the same sentiment I have about the country every time someone asks me, 'so how was your trip' whenever I'm back from any city. With perhaps the exception of KL and most other Malaysian cities. Kuching isn't so bad, but that's only because they still have some bits where the native crafts haven't have disappeared under the glare of heretical Islam or suburban orthodox Christianity.

Richard was very kind and he booked a lovely apartment (a little bit more flash then I would have expected of him… but then again I'm constantly surprised at his spending habits. I don't think I've ever met anyone that really lived on a month-to-month basis. Well, I have, only they never spent any of it on me. They would think twice about lending me a couple of hundred bucks if I needed and abortion. Chris was an exception of course, but then again, he was exceptionally rich).

Every person trying to make Singapore better creatively should be forced to live in London for a couple of years, and be made to stay near Brick Lane. Now that is an amazing little street. It's just been left up to people to fix up, and you get places like café 1001 ( where you can openly smoke a joint; something that R and I didn't do but did smell, and dance like a whacko on E (all of the people there were probably on E and therefore whackos). The DJ in that place (DJ Shuttle that night I think, played some weird set titled Guerrilla Lime and Soda version 3.0) made me not only love house music for that night, but also got me to dance to it. I didn't need any E, the music was that good okay, and I am just that uninhibited.

I was reading Milan Kundera's Slowness and came across a paragraph about nudity and irreverence: This is the first time she has undressed before him with such absence of modesty, with such pointed disregard. This undressing signifies: your presence before me has no, absolutely no, importance… I could vomit in front of you … masturbate, piss… My proud disregard s a cloak that lets me move about before you with complete freedom and complete immodesty. This is not to say that me pissing on Richard's floor, in front of both him and Lynn would mean that their presence has no importance to me. On the contrary, pissing on the floor is a rather messy spectacle and if you plan to clean it up, you wouldn't do so in the first place, unless there was someone else to amuse with it. But you get Kundera's point. Nudity is a common word shared by all the revolutionaries of every era because it is about irreverence and about not giving a flying fuck about society. And Singapore is so arsed about it because the powers that be NEED you to give a shit. Because control would be impossible otherwise.

Otherwise you might end up having shops like Close-Up, this place that rented out films that could actually change your life for the price of a big Mac, which wouldn't change your life, unless you're a gluttonous fat-ass.

Oh I suppose there'll be some dude out in London or NY or one of those places reading this and laughing. Poor things they are in Singapore; well indeed! We are poor that way, terribly poor. I want change now, damn it.

For example, you wouldn't be able to stand outside the Istana in a leather dress that didn't do much to hide your pussy and have your photo taken with a medium format camera (meaning, you really have to set your gear up), while you masturbated. You could, for example, do that in front of Buckingham palace and not a single soul would look at you. It was the one most fascinating experience.

It's only been 6 weeks, but I've never been happier. Aside from the occasional pangs of annoyance I suffer when I look about the apartment and think, 'My God those sheets are so astro-glided and spermy they must be changed'. It's not very good I suppose, we've been too caught up with each other, and I haven't really been keeping in touch with most of my friends. But then again I don't think I'm really seeing any less of the people that matter, like the Princess… and well, there was really just her I guess. I'm not in contact with most of the guys I used to schtup, with the exception of Elan. The dear boy was recently tricked by a cunt attempting to trap him -god knows what he meant by 'trap'- by saying she was pregnant. I cannot help but really feel like tying her up onto the scaffolding Richard says he'll make me, and whipping her silly. Although I will still stand by the fact that it was partly his fault because I had to demand he used a condom every time we attempted to schtup.

It's funny how when you fall in love again, and you fall out of love with everyone else, it suddenly occurs to you how pathetic most of them were. The only one that I cannot say anything against is Ethan, because he really was very smart and sensible and easy to be with, and treated me the way I expected to be treated. But more importantly, his goal in life was not to get laid, as it would seem with so many of the other men my path has crossed. I suppose I cannot say anything against them; maybe they haven't found the right girl to inspire a sort of want to make anything work, but it just seems rather lame when you tell a girl to fuck off because you can't imagine yourself never screwing another chick. But maybe you just didn't love her enough. I didn't see the need for fidelity anyway, but that was because I was playing their game… and most of them sucked in bed.

I don't know, monogamy isn't important to me, but if being otherwise would hurt someone I really love, then it is a state I would easily take up.

Fucking many people isn't interesting anyway. It's just a different dick, a different cunt, a different body. You'll never get to experience a connection beyond that few moments, that few dates you had before shagging. If you close your eyes, it's all kinda the same, what makes it different is what goes on in your mind.

You know, like being kidnapped and turned into a biological fuck machine with your hands and feet tied by the bedposts. Blindfolded and you don't know who's fucking you (but you do) and your nothing but your cunt. And it could be anyone, any john and his filthy fick sticking it to you.