Calmed Down

Letter to Chris, after I had accussed him of not treating me as decently as he should have. He didn't in some ways I suppose. Men don't often realize that women sometimes love them because they make their life easier and they're willing to comprimise their feelings for somethings. By that. I mean they believe some guys are 'good for them' and they'll do much and fuck themselves up emotionally and force emotional states on themselves that don't naturally exsist because they've been taught what sort of guy is 'good for them'. Which is of course all bullshite. If it doesn't come naturally, it's not good for you, period.

Of course it's alright for you to call! I would love to talk to you. Your life sounds hectic as hell... all those places, my God. I still feel embarassed about the HCMC thing occassionally, because I burst out into tears in front of one of my friends, anyway, it's over. And I never thought you were decietful. I just cannot and will never understand how men can be so selfish. I've got nothing against individual people... but men in general are just territorial and selfish and some of them are decietful too. People in general are I suppose... When relationships get more complex, that kinda happens. But somehow I cannot help but feel I keep giving and giving and people just take from me without really knowing what I want in return. I suppose part of the reason's because something was just off in most of the relationships I've had previously. There was something that left me unsatfied, and I don't think there's anymore reason than just what I feel.

I'm very happy with Richard and my sister and Lynn these days and Luna. It's like I've finally found a place, a family that I've actually gotten a chance to choose myself. I don't feel so alone anymore; I never had a problem with feeling alone really, I wasn't unhappy, but I'd always felt like I was on the brink of exhaustion. I'm working harder than ever now, but somehow I feel like everything's just less hectic, and I can concentrate on my creative work.

I look forward to your call... This week sometime after brnch is a good time because I'd be taking a
rest from writing/drawing stuff and will be just about ready for a nice chat :D I'm very happy to know I meant so much to you and still do in some way. You have been very kind to me despite the conflicts :)