Don't think for a moment my life got boring because I've actually got a boyfriend now. In fact, it's far, far from it. We clocked up a relatively impressive list of public indecencies, copious amounts of empty wine bottles and an absurd collection of psuedo artistic erotic photographs.
I just realized yesterday how diffuclt it is to understand people and to really accept them for what they are. I've always accepted people for what they were previously because what they were didn't really affect me all that much, and I couldn't be bothered to change them because it wouldn't have made much of a difference anyway. But I suppose I'll have to really figure out a way to try and not shake R up again with jealousy. Difficult, since I really cannot understand the emotions that word should entail. I'm jealous very seldom, and the last time I remembered feeling like so what when the G-Spot was snogging L and I wanted to snog him. It didn't bother me that he schtupped her, what upsetted me was the fact that he did it with her when I wanted it. But that was such a long time ago, and as I remember it, I had been completely drunk then.
R got pissed up the other day because I had been flirting with one of his friends. I suppose it's not the normal thing to do in front of your boyfriend, but really, it is the normal thing people of the opposite sex do to each other any other time. Besides, what does it matter? Why is possession such a big issue for so many people (and not an issue at all with some - for example, I would encourage any boyfriend of mine to screw a nice looking, smart chick if he really wanted to, and I'm not the only one). How can some guys cheat, and then demand fedelity? Having a dick you can't control is one thing, being two-faced is inexcusible.
For some strange reason, I find sexual state reverting back to the era when I was still stuck in that god-forsaken all-girls' school where I was made to believe all boys were dirty and silly and that its better to spend your time with your girlfriends. Dear little Tori is in that state now, and in Shanghai sharing a room with Lizzie. From what I remember, Lizzie is a sort of weird, cutesy dyke character; so god knows what they are up to, but I definitely approve. I won't say girls are starting to become more attractive to me sexually, because that has never really been the case. Aestheticlly, they're great, and I do think about eating them out, but I think I just like dick too much, and there's all there is to it. Vibrators never fully do the trick, and dildos are so tedious. For my right arm anyway. But I've always liked women, and having other men closed to me now has just kinda put me back on that strange path I used to skip down years and years ago in lower secondary.
A very good friend of mine asked me if I ever felt Richard was controlling me emotionally. On top of that, R has been telling me that I shouldn't change myself for him, he'd have to get over his insecurites or he'd have to live with the way I was, it wasn't right that I should change. Funny thing is, I don't think I'm changing the person that I am. There's only one thing about that person, and it is the fact that I simply do whatever I feel is right at that point in time. Of course I'm hyper aware of myself and what makes me happy, so it works really well. I don't think the same can be said if you weren't already really sure of what you want.
I actually had an argument with him (and I seldom have arguments with anyone outside the confines of cerebral discussion, and even then. I just don't see the point in spending my time with irrational people). After a great amount of fustration had piled up in me because he got pissed off when I flirted with one of his mates, I asked him why was it that he just didn't trust me enough. As far as I know, I've done nothing that can be logically accepted as decietful, cheating behaviour. He went on to say that he'd only really known me for a short while and that I was capable of sleeping with people I didn't particularly love. You know, Like, deeply.
Well, there are people married to each other for whole lifetimes that don't even know what each other's sickest fantasies are, where her G-spot is... along with a whole load of other things. As for the latter, he'd no right to say it of course, I'd date no guy that wouldn't sleep with me after the thrid date, and no guy I wouldn't want to sleep with after the third date. And exactly how 'deeply' is anyone expected to know someone else by then?
Anyway, I've freezing in this over sophiscated computer lab in school and my heart is about to suffer from a major contraction from being too bloody cold.
xoxox
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