Dropping In

I definitely have no inspiration to write about much today, although (as usual) in the course of the last few hours, many nice things have happened. I really do think there are two kinds of people in this world, the people that live activity filled lives, and the people that don’t. I mean, how is it possible that without trying, 6 hours out of any day of my existence can be more exciting then an entire week of someone else’s.

Dee broke up with her boyfriend recently. I’ll not say anything about it because frankly, I didn’t know him all that well. I knew him as a friend, and he is a nice person, but I suppose things are different when you’re dating and responsible in a way for one another. It was hard for D. I’d been feeling rather guilty recently actually, for what I feel was basically taking advantage of my girlfriends, and especially her. It’s like, what have I done for her anyway. She’s given me a few good modeling contacts, she’s always met me in town when I called her up; course I felt guilty. And tonight… *grin* Oh yes, yes, yes. Tonight shall be so much fun. I’d wanted to do a little SM, but I’m sure as fuck Martine would be so freaked he wouldn’t like it one bit. So we shall do something less… as the princess put it (when I asked her to join) ‘Don’t want le, too kinky!’.

Someone emailed me today about how he’d like more social commentary and things like that. The truth is, I’m tired of giving social commentary. Writing it into my daily musing is fine, but I don’t really think I’m all that interested any more (at least not for now) in writing entire essays about being an SPG. The thing is, there’s nothing about being an SPG, that’s the whole point, and that’s what I’ve been trying to say and what I’ve discovered in the past few months.

I’m so normal. I’m attracted to men that are white, rich and contemporary, but at the same time, I have really great local boy-friends, and at the same time, I treasure my girlfriends just as much, or even more. My life doesn’t revolve around a sexual/romantic preference, for crying out loud.

Maybe a year ago, it did. And it wouldn’t be my fault. This society’s obsessed with it, and who can blame a class-conscious, subtly racist culture for it. You can argue that Singapore is not the only class-conscious, subtly racist culture in the world, and you know what? You’re right. We aren’t, and the whole treating certain foreigners and minority groups with special privileges and higher… respect perhaps… happens in a few other countries too, They’re all different in a way, minority special treatment in the UK isn’t the same as what it is here, but that regardless, everywhere in the world, it does exists.

And desiring the foreign isn’t a peculiar ‘dissatisfied, bourgeois, government educated, licentious Methodist school girl’ phenomenon. It’s all over the world, and especially in Asia. I recommend you go to Cambodia and ask the tour boys how many of them date their customers, take them around town, get themselves taken out to dinner and fuck them thereafter. I asked just about three of them why do they like white women, and they are so fucking honest I almost feel ashamed. They like European women because they are different, they can help them improve their English, and they have money. (Even if you’re freshly graduated, you’re still considered to have a lot of money when you’re in Cambodia).

I don’t think there’s absolutely any need to justify a romantic preference, and I cannot stand girls that clearly would rather date an expatriate over their local counterparts, and marginalize their ‘frivolity’ with ‘oh, but I’ll just as well give a local boy a chance’. Maybe there are some of them out there like that, I’m not one of them. I wouldn’t and I can’t be bothered. In fact, at this point, I can’t be bothered with any one, unless they are to be bothered with me.

And here’s the truth. White guys in Singapore get laid more, and by prettier women too because they are pushy as hell. At first I thought it was because some girls (i.e. SPGs or whatever you wish to call them) have their morals more easily comprimized with white guys. True… but my morals have always been the compromise-able sort. And yes, I supposed in my case since I like the way Caucasian men look, I’m more willing to engage myself with them, then with local dudes. But that’s not only it. If a guy is calling you out all the time, inviting you to lunch, dinner, coffee, ‘let’s meet up before I leave for this business trip’… Most girls will eventually have them grown onto them, and ta-dah, they have their catch. Honestly, they are more pushy.

I know I’ve grown up. I’m no longer the same person that started this diary 1 year ago. I’m more self-aware, and the truth is, I think I’ve finally begun to learn how to love people instead of romantic ideals. And that’s why Martine is so important to me, and that’s why I want to do this and I want to make it work. If only because I know I’ll learn something from it. He’s a person, I know him well enough to be comfortable with the way I am around him, completely, and we’re comfortable saying the most absurd things to one another.

It’s like, after I came back from Vietnam, I realized that I’d been chasing after figments of my imagination in so many cases for nearly two years. I literally realized it. The kinky sex, the stupid make believes that one-day-I-shall-be-as-rich-as-them-and-own-my-own-fancy-apartment, and one day I shall be as independent and as free. Because the truth is, that was what it was all about. I’m sick of living with my parents, I’m sick of depending on them, and fucking around with rich, independent guys was one way out of that god-awful boring reality. (It was a bonus that all of them were very nice, and most of them pretty much good in bed.)

I suppose I’ve always known it; but knowing it, and snapping out of it are two completely different things. And it really isn’t something you can just snap out of.

Somehow, I have this strange feeling that most other girls here feel the same way too. We’re just god-damn sick of being … communalized. Living with our parents, having everything you do watched and judged and knowing that you’d have to conform to their judgment and do what pleases them. Like some kinda fucking concentration camp. Of course I love my family, but sometimes you just want to be able to have the ability to say fuck off, and to get what you want.

The Asian pussy is not such a bad thing to have, really.

xoxox