How is it Possible

That I am stuck Here, yet be so damned busy all the time. You know, there was an experiment done sometime ago on a set of people chosen at random who had unfortunate physically disabling accidents befall them, to correspond the severity of the accident to the severity of the depression that ensued. The truth was, within the average of 6 months, people normally get back their old spirits. So you could have someone like say, Joni Eriksson Tada (the female artist who’s disabled from her neck down) living a very fulfilling life despite her accident, while someone who’s lacking usage of one arm constantly living in a pit of despond, using the lack of the ability of an arm as an excuse for her depression.

Of course I have no wish to experiment on myself, but at any rate, in a couple of days, I’ve managed to find so many occupations for myself once again relaxation is no longer a guaranteed condition as a result from isolation. All right, I’m not really isolated, the fact that there’s a computer at my disposal some 3-4 kilometers away from the place I’m staying at means I get to amuse myself for a couple of hours a day and stay connected. And plus, while I’ve taken to staying with my uncle and he has to work, he’s still around quite a lot, and goes to manage his work when I’m asleep. (I thought Singaporeans were extreme, but he amuses me during the day and spend his nights at the office).

Martine and I were musing about the problems of being completely unengaged in any worthwhile occupation, and how it usually results in stupid, irrational, self-centered behavior. Like how the manager of his apartments have nothing better to do then to observe every single visitor that enters the block, and work out who’s having an affair with whom. Or how odd it was when he had gone back to some luxury boutique the other day, to which we had spent sometime browsing in for a dinner jacket for him previously, and the guy that had served us previously kept on mentioning me. What business of it was his? Sure as hell we look an odd couple. He’s old enough to be my dad (given sufficiently liberal assumptions), twice my height and I’d been dressed like a fairy, but you don’t probe customers on their relationships with every person they go shopping with! But we must forgive them, they are all the time without the pursuit for any definite goal.

But before I digress too much, this would be the general presumption I’d make about my relatives living here. Not to undermine them in anyway, they are good people and have found a purpose in life; but not one I’d agree with. In any case, I think there’s some manner of psychosis under laying the whole family situation. The last half year has been nothing short of tragic. My grandmother had been dying since January and was due sometime in June (a deadline which she met) but as the cosmos would have it, an uncle died in some sort of freak accident. Because everyone pretty much lives a 10 km proximity of each other, it was a very big tragedy indeed. Now everyone goes to church twice a week, and have two alters collectively. One with a portrait of the Virgin Mary across grandma’s and one that was something from a Buddhist/Taoist past before they turned Catholics. And the incense is burning all day, and there is all the time fruit and steamed rice in front of the alter. (I doubt it’s any part of the catholic belief, because the last time I checked, Christendom had been partial to unleavened bread).

They are quite fanatical, but when you’ve no purpose in this life and everything’s just none too peachy, and nothing exciting ever happens, what are you to do but look on to the next? Where you’d sing in a heavenly choir all day long, which is not very interesting either.

I’d gone for lunch with my uncle; he’s been paying me quite a bit of attention, which I do not mind, as long as he keeps his hands to himself. Saying my legs are nice and very muscular is all very well taken, thank you. And that you’re very ‘fond’ of me is fine too, but please let’s keep it at that. I like drama, but am not into Virginia Andrews, and as much as I enjoy De Sade, I’ll not be Eugenie. I told him so of course, because I just didn’t like the way he said some things, and thank god that’s been cleared up. I’m not entirely sure if it was paternal affection (because I’m relatively close to him when I visit) or something else… possibly a mix. But I didn’t want to take any chances or compromise anything. Experiences are great to acquire, but there comes a certain point in time when too much is honestly too much. It would have hurt far too many people that I cared far too much about. If it had been anything more then the paternal relationship I am convincing myself it is.

I’d told Martine all of this, and got mildly annoyed when he asked if Uncle was Christian, because ‘it would be an interesting note for an agnostic’.

No he is not, and in fact, we spent most of lunch time discussing God (my favorite subject of late. Sex has been left to a backroom for the time being, the practical part not possible over here, and my theories on morality often turning to the questioning of spirituality and relative morality these days).

He couldn’t stop saying his wife was crazy though, but I don’t blame him. I think some people are fanatical in their disbelief, and these people think I’m fanatical in my ‘stupidity’, fair’s fair. I do suppose reading nothing but books on Christ and always falling back to the ‘will of God’ as an excuse for every shit thing that happens is a bit extreme. Not to mention, completely illogical. And getting told every night in bed that you shouldn’t question God can be very annoying, especially if you’re an academic at heart.

***

The following will be some of the ideas I put across to him (he didn’t have anything that I’d not already heard, although there was an odd obsession for the possibility of aliens in place of angels).

Firstly, yes it is annoying to be asked to believe in God by blind faith. God created mankind to strive for some semblance of logic, and when you resort to blind faith, your either too lazy to want to think about it, too hard-headed, too afraid, or too fatalistic. He couldn’t have made us creatures of logic, and then tell us that we must not seek to make sense of the Christian faith and of Him. It’s nearly as whacko as depriving oneself of every physical pleasure, when he made our flesh to desire.

‘It seems to me a curious fashion
To give a man an appetite
And tell him a starving ration
Is all he’s due for’
-Vikram Seth – The Golden Gate

We had been talking about the new house he’s building, and how some people have asked him what was the point? He’s not got much longer to live, why invest so much money into property when you’ve not got long left to enjoy it.

‘Then what should you spend your money on? Are you to wait till you die, for your mansion in heaven? Those people are ridiculous, I see what you mean.’ I said, putting another piece of fresh spring roll (as opposed to fried) into my mouth.

‘And ironically, or perhaps not, those same people will say that what we are eating is hospital food.’

‘Who cares? We’re eating “hospital food” and enjoying it, while they’d be the ones to end up in hospital. But they are eager to meet their maker I suppose.’

The thing is, I’ve nothing against Christianity, and I believe in Christ and in the entitlements people have upon the acceptance of his death. But what I do have a problem with is how people sometimes try to impose their way or the highway sermons on those around them. It gets even more annoying when they preach blind faith, and use an evoke the ‘will of God’ more times than can possible be sensible, if God had truly given us free choice. It’s even worse when their life seems like it’s falling apart, they lack drive, and all they can do is cling onto that elusive vision of God. Because I really do think God is elusive, should there be no present, material blessings to be seen right Now.

I did tell him though (I believe) that the fact that human beings have all yearned for some sort of spirituality all throughout history is sort of revelation that there is a life after death, or at least a semblance of the spiritual. Because (I think) every biological function has a purpose. And as throughout time, religious feeling has not made life throughout earth as a whole any better, then its purpose must be because there is a higher spiritual order to things. So that we will do something to attain that higher spiritual order (if not for blessings on earth, then for that, at least). But just like how our biological capability to eat does not always necessarily mean we will live or live well (think French Fries and Diet Coke) not all our means to utilize this ‘spiritual’ function will result in the desired end. Be it a blessed life on earth, or attainment of heaven. (Please note I’m not saying that anything aside from the acceptance of Christ is ultimately doomed to fail, because I really do not know, and I don’t think any one has the claim to the right that they do) Religion, like food, has its fads.

I can go on forever, but it’ll be pointless. We’ll never know till we die, and that’s that. God is just fooling around with us and doing things for his own amusement I honestly believe. But whatever it is, for my part, I’m playing by his rules, regardless of how whimsical they may be. (6 days? Why 6 days when just as easily 6 seconds or 6 centuries?) Goodnight.

xoxox