To Experience Maximum Effects.

At 6 pm. I felt everything coalescing into a big cosmic ball inside me. I closed my eyes and the world started to roll. I felt like everything was connected, and I felt good. The world was spinning and the light that was reflected off all shiny surfaces seemed to me to be far too bright. I had lie down and close my eyes. Which only made me feel even more awesome.

Concerta usually never makes me feel like that, but I think a combination of having my imagination ramped from writing fiction, pleasant feelings directed at MGM, my impending move to Holland, and a history of spiritual short-circuitry reacted with the pills, and for about an hour in the middle of the day I broke down. It's some good shit. To experience its maximum effects, dissolve in olive oil and eat with bread. Which I never do, of course. 

It got too much though, and I went for a run to calm myself down. Running on amphetamines is sub-optimal, but for me it does work if I need to get out of feeling fucked.

Those pills are strange. I feel good on them, my brain is super-focused and I'm suddenly a lot more creative. For about 2 hours in the middle of the day, I get on a roll and it's just awesome. But the come down can be quite a bitch. Nothing a long run and copious amount of alcohol can't solve though.

During the trip, I had an epiphany. It had to do with my long and diverse history of falling in love and fucking married men. It's kinda freaky, but I'd say about half of the men I took somewhat seriously (which is not saying much) were married. My ex was married, funnily enough, for the whole 2.5 years we were together. Then I went to a nerdy conference in San Diego and thought I fell in love with another married dude I met there, which started the break-up. But of course the whole relationship had been falling apart for 6 months prior to that anyway. And of course at that point I had decided to fall in love exclusively with men with a mid-life crisis, so the chances of them being married, separated or going through a divorce was quite likely.

I think most people in marriages are living in some kind of lie. I think everyone is living in some kind of lie anyway, but most of the time it does not include being in cramped emotional quarters with someone else. The thought it just terrible. Relationships make me feel claustrophobic. I love them, and I love falling in love, but I think the claustrophobia wins out in the end, and I prefer to stay away from anything getting too serious. But really, you can't control this shit. You fall in love because the sex is great, your partner is charming, and before you know it, you're seeing each other everyday so you might was well move in together.


It's bleak really. The odds are stacked against you. About 50% of marriages in the developed world fall apart and end in divorce. Out of the remaining 50%, how many are actually functional?

You're probably thinking, what kind of lame-ass epiphany is that? I already knew all that, it's not a novel revelation. But you know, when you're in an alternate state of mind, you have this feeling like you really get it. I didn't just know that all this tragedy was the truth, I understood it was the truth. That the current system in place is shit but people still believe in it.

But I'd also like to believe it will change. That people will start seeing things differently and stop lying to themselves and everyone else around them. That they would liquidate their partners so there will be more to go around because as we know, all the best men are taken, except the ones that aren't taken and are about to be taken, so they might as well be.