There are more important things...

I’m very tired and emotionally drained, but I think I’ve finally gotten all my thoughts consolidated finally, and it is this: I know what I want to be known for, and what I would like to be public for, and it is definitely not for the ability of being able to strip in front of the camera. You see, I don’t strip take nude photos or post them for the sake of attention. I knew it would get me some attention when I did, but it was more of a, ‘Hey, check her out, she can write well, but she’s pretty hot too. Cool.’ I never wanted to turn into the voice of every anti-conservative out there. I’m not conservative myself, in fact, I am ultra liberal, mostly because I just don’t give a damn about anything or anyone, unless they mean a lot to me of course. In short, I don’t care what the rest of the world thinks. I appreciate good thoughts and encouraging emails, but if you’re on the criticism end, guess what? You matter squat.

If I get less hits because I took that picture off, so what. If I get less readership, big deal. Less publicity? Well… I started off with none anyway, and I was happy with it. No publicity is bad publicity, unless it starts affecting the people you care about. Then it’s not right. And I DO have a value system, and that is to go through life being as true to myself as I possibly can, while never hurting the people that matter to me. I try, oh I try.

This whole fiasco has been very embarrassing to the people I hold dear, and I cannot stand for it to carry on any longer. If the picture is what has caused all that unnecessary embarrassment, then that picture will be what has to be removed, and it has.

I will always be modeling nude as and when I want to of course, and I will still always be a Suicidegirl just because it fucking rocks. But that’s for a whole different society altogether and not this pretentious ‘conservative’ one, a situation that is completely apart from my private life here in Singapore.

I need time to chill out. I was fine before the whole media blowup happened, and I will be fine when it dies down. If I get extra offers to model and be in a couple of magazines and to write for some of them, or to do a gig, or whatever, that’s great.

But the baseline is this, I was never really into getting famous. I like it certainly, but it is not as important as the reason behind the fame, and if the reason is wrong, then it is pointless. I will suffocate if I didn’t have an audience for my art or writing or whatever, but the thing is, I already did before all this happened, and there will be many other opportunities in the future for me to find that audience. I don’t write about sex so much because I want the attention; I do it because it is a part of me. As it is a part of all of us.

I will write more on the plane, but about other things I supposed. Oddly enough, I was very glad to have talked to my dad before I left. Because I feel a great deal more relaxed now. And while he is really upset at what I have done, he’s managed to calm me down a great deal and made me realize that hey, there really are more important things then publicity and what the media wants you to stand for. My peace of mind is definitely one of those things.

We sat around on the couch for awhile talking about stuff, the bible mostly, and Russian roulette, and love and art. All of those things, and then some. And he prayed for me, and I felt better.

I feel better. SO much better.

xoxox