Self-Contradiction.

I would like very much to be able to attribute it to PMS, only, I’ve lost count of the days, and I am sure that it’s the god-awful tropical weather that fucked up the cycle. So I don’t really know what it is anymore.

I would also wish I could blame it on the whole Martine affair, but while I suppose it is the trigger to this particular bout of depression, I honestly doubt it plays a huge role. Everything and everyone’s to blame, I suppose. I think we’re just both blackmailing each other, without intending to do so, which I find a real pain in the ass. And there’s just something about his personality that just strikes me as one that’s easily bullied, and I try as I might, I couldn’t help but exploit it just… a little.

He called me up, and I felt so awkward there was nothing of worth I could say, initially. I must have started gabbling about the most pointless things, like the wine sale going on in the atrium below. And then I got a little out of hand and said something stupid like, ‘I’d love to drop by your place now.’ before getting back to some other pointless babble that involved isolated south-east Asian islands and pirates. It was terrible.

Then he said he ‘hoped I was recovering’. He clearly meant, recovering from the fact that we cannot possibly see each other.

‘Recovering? What? Oh, you mean from the party. Yeah I guess, although I didn’t drink too much really, and it was not particularly exciting.’

‘Oh yeah, the party.’ Bewildered(?) laughter on his part.

Of course I knew what the fuck he was referring to. But I’m just absolutely terrible at getting to the point when it comes to ‘talking relationship’ to the people I was actually having relationships with. (The G-Spot is quite an odd exception, like he says it- we’re totally chill) And I’m so bad at it because I thought guys hated talking about things like that. And I still do think that most of them do, only because they aren’t used to it, which is precisely the same reason why I feel uncomfortable about it too- It’s simply not something I do. Unless I’m really, terribly, comfortable with the other person of course, but I really do not like going about the ‘we have to talk’ business.

Martine insisted on it anyway. I suppose it was a better course of action then pretending nothing mattered, since I feel all the better for it now. I told him part of the reason why I was so upset was because my ego felt rejected. And this is where I thought it got rather weird.

‘Look, I didn’t reject you all right. You know that. It’s just that the present circumstances don’t allow for a relationship, you mustn’t say I’m rejecting you. I like you a lot, you’re (insert cacophony of pleasant descriptive words, not all of which most other girls would find pleasant in any circumstance) But… And it’s not fair to me for you to say you feel rejected! Besides, I do believe I need friends more then I do lovers; and for all your sexual liberation; I find it odd that you’re making it such a big deal. I just can’t have any sort of physical relationship with you, that’s all. It’s not a big deal, you said so yourself!’

‘So I did. It isn’t, really. But I feel such comfort when I’m intimate with you, you’re wrong to call it just sex. And besides, the more you can’t have something, the less of not such a big deal it becomes. I know I’m being incredibly stupid and childish, you don’t have to tell me that. I understand where you’re coming from, and I respect that. But I can’t help how I feel, okay?’

He promised to take me out to dinner sometime soon. But I swear, I’m just way too used to believing that people don’t keep their promises (They usually do actually, I just don’t seem to believe in it) to really look forward to anything.

xoxox