Friday, February 12, 2010

Finders, Keepers.

As my sex life switches from value=1 to value=0, I start descending into nerd-dom and read blogs like the one by Psychologist Richard Wiseman, who possibly has the best advice for this season, (which is most certainly going to be horrid: Chinese New Year and Valentine's...) The title of his post should make you cream your pants with the anticipation of increasing your chances of getting laid multiple times with the same partner. "Improve your love life with science". Okay, I'm being a twat on purpose. It's quite interesting, really.

The following is a list of what I do, to keep the type of man I want (the specification of gender here is deliberate, my forays into lesbianism have been characterized by extreme drunkenness and a secret horror of being inadequate).

How to Find and Keep the Right One.
Assumptions: The person smells right, looks good, and is all round physically desirable.

1. Do something insane within the first few dates. These activities should tell you how far your partner will go before too much becomes a bad idea for them. If you really push it, it can be freakier and way more exciting than watching a horror movie. Dangerous activities that would make the both of you feel like partners in crime is a very good idea indeed. And fun as hell.

These might include having sex in a public place, wandering around town after not having slept for days, participating in politically charged activities, going on a spiritual journey and other intense adventures on the spur of the moment...etc.

2. Talk about this elusive concept we call love. If you've already had sex a couple of times and there's good chemistry, you can talk about love. No matter what Cosmo or "The Game" tells you. Everyone has given this a good measure of thought and has an opinion on it. A lot of people have no problems sharing the dirty sex they've had (just keep your ears peels in a bar), but the world is against talking about love because it makes you vulnerable.

3. Tell the other person why you like them. Their strengths are not your weaknesses. You are giving them a fucking compliment for fuck's sake, and people like compliments.

4. Have a conversation about your beliefs in God and alternative states of being and the future of the universe, and other similar topics. Everyone you date should have something to say about those things, if they don't, they're lame.  There are subjects in this world where your views are uniquely yours, which would make you that special person, which is what you want to be.

5. Flirt with other people. It's a bad idea to let someone feel totally secure on where they stand. Flirting is not a crime. In my books sleeping with someone else accidentally-on-purpose is not a crime. Fuck it, it's your body, you're allowed to do whatever you want with it. 

If all else fails, you can take a page from the guy that held my friend captive in his fancy apartment while she was backpacking in California. Just get a girl when she's off her tits and ply her with champagne from dawn to dusk.

No comments: