Love

Love is subjective, and since I’m not looking for everlasting devotion (and frankly don’t care much for it if it comes from a good-for-nothing who cannot provide for me) I’ll take whatever is tangible. I can’t judge love, but I sure as hell can judge good sex and an exquisite quality of life. And they all enhance whatever romantic feeling and passionate sentiment .

It’s all very well to say I’m shallow, but come on, would you love someone that had nothing just out of love. I’m not a bleeding saint with my heart on a cross. I wouldn’t love anyone broke, ugly and/or stupid. Look at Vogue’s most desirable men on Planet Earth or something, how many of them are broke? They are all rich, gorgeous and… allright, some are stupid but they’re not stupid enough to be broke, and that’s what matters.

Geez, do you think I’m that shallow? Money, money, money. I decided to give up on the relationship with Ethan because he couldn’t give me enough of what I wanted. You’re wrong and right all at once. I wasn’t interested in his money from the start, that he wasn’t penniless helped, but that wasn’t it. I thought he’d spent mostly his money while we were traveling. He treated me very nicely, certainly, but somehow I had the feeling it was mostly his parent’s, and of course I expected to spend some of my money as well, while traveling, but I did so on the belief that we were both on par financially. My parents didn’t give me anything, and they don’t. Hell will freeze over the day my dad gives me a sub-card. That’s beside the point though. What I’m trying to say is that, part of the ‘reason’s’ because I thought he was something (giving) and he turned out to be less of that.

That is of course me nit-picking. There are so many other things that just made/makes it impossible for me to carry on. I’m sure part of it was my fault for not opening my mouth to tell him so, but it simply isn’t what I do. You can’t change people, they are natural the way they are and that’s the way I think they should be allowed to be. He’ll be perfect for someone else. And I couldn’t say no to him because it would have made me feel guilty. Almost as if he’d whisper after I’d refuse something; affection, intimate advances, whatever he’d whisper, ‘but don’t you love me enough to do this?’ And I really did. And besides, even if I said no and refused his advances, he’d torment me all night. It was impossible, ok.

There’s no justification for these kinda things. I can’t justify it, completely objectively, and therefore no one can completely objectively criticize. It’s just that at this point in time, it was pointless to carry on. It wasn’t fair for him, and it wouldn’t have been fair to the way I wanted to lead my life either. What is wrong with wanting a relationship in which everything would be provided for, and then some. It’s not as romantic as two young lovers honey-mooning in a bunch of third world countries because they were too poor to do so in fancier places, certainly, but either situation has it’s charms. And at my age, why should I hold myself down if I don’t wish to? It’s not as romantic for you to read, but it’s much more comfortable for me to live.

I want someone that can understand, that can control his dick and not fucking try to stick it into me every time we’re alone, and someone with whom I don’t need to worry my bank account over. Someone who can help me live a bit of the life I’ve always wanted. Who the hell cares about romantic love if it doesn’t come with certain comforts, when you can have both.

Fuck justification, validation, explanation, blabberation blah blah blah. At this point in time in my life, with everything as mad-capped as it is, I can only have enough time for so many people, myself included. And if I was no longer enthusiastic about something, why should I even bother and waste my time or his? I can’t be bothered to act anymore.

xoxox