We're all Kinda Stupid

Everything is going wrong today. EVERYTHING!

I just want to hide in Greg's apartment and stay there and work. If I bump into M, I have everything I want to say worked out. But I'll only have the capacity for three points I wish I could make.

Firstly, that everyone has real feelings. Whether or not they need him, and he is very rude to think they are crazy. And very rude to not apologizefor doing so and aknowledge their exsistence. Does he suppose the little child who's ice-cream has fallen off the cone doesn't really feel sad?

Secondly. I'm too sensible for all of this, and he is too old. And maybe, one day time will start turning back, and he'll be young again, and feel as if there's not much of life left to live, and you can do anything. And that the most lasting sort of pleasure you can ever get is in making other people happy. Because that image, that idea of them being happy will stay in your memory forever, but you being happy will only last so long. And you'll remember it when your sad, and feel even more sorry for yourself. But for now, he's the one that's desperate. Desperate to put his life together, to find things to make it work, because he thinks he's unhappy with it. But of course he isn't People live unhappy lives because they actually like they way they are living. And the both of us don't have the time. I just wish he'd understand that he cannot go on trying to please some people, and help them, by comprimising on himself. Because unless it's mutual, it's not going to be fair for anyone, and no one will be happy.

And finally, I cannot go on feeling bad about Chris. I cannot bear to have him feel like he's second place all the time when the only person in his life that can matter at the moment is me. It's not fair, and I've not been stupid, because I really thought M made me very happy, and I made him happy, and since Chris wasn't around all that much... But I'll be stupid to carry on like that. I hate it when all my friends look at me like I'm an idiot to adore M so much, and it's even more terrible when they feel sad for you because you can't seem to get out of it. And while I was happy, of course it didn't matter. And now that I'm not, and their feelings are justified, I can't.

Ugh. I need to wake up, my eyes are all foggy. I want a bran muffin, black coffee and a room that's made like a cafe.

xo