Okay... So There.

I broke up with Ethan. It was quick, and relatively painless. But of course losing someone you like will always hurt a-bit, and I’ve never actually lost anyone before (no body ever bothers to let go). I suppose, though, when things are an effort to maintain, people have to make decisions. I couldn’t have wanted him to interfere in my life any longer, it was starting to feel difficult. He made me feel guilty about things I was doing, things that I know I shouldn’t be feeling guilty about (and the only reason I did was because old conventional ideas you grow up with never leave you; like some kinda morality chain).

Of course nothing ever really is ‘final’, I may call him up a few months down the road, what does it matter? For now at least, we don’t have to be bothered about each other, and it’s one less thing on my list of things I need to do. Of course I didn’t mind doing it when I was doing it, I pretty much enjoy everything I do. But sometimes I’d really rather just be alone, like I didn’t matter and no one else did.

God, I don’t know what I’m talking about and I don’t really care. It’s over so big deal. We all get over shit in awhile.

In the meantime I’ll be fixing my portfolio and thinking about hanging in Paris with Chris. And then maybe NY in June.

Oh there’s ALWAYS someone else when people break-up. Or many some-one else’s. And perhaps I am calculating, but in the scheme of things, Ethan just couldn’t do much for me. My life has to progress, and I can do it like how just about everyone else in this damn country does it, which is to say day after day following a set standard (my classmates are all enrolling in the local universities at this point), or I can attempt to ensure it’s in constant motion. New experiences daily, new people, new places. And to do that, I need the people to do it with. People who can afford to do so for me, and most of all, people that are here.

But all of that is inconsequential I suppose. Ethan and I didn’t have superb chemistry, and he scared me sometimes. And he didn’t feel like he sacrificed enough for me, not that I did much for him either, but I believe I was more-so. And once again, of course even that is inconsequential. What should have really mattered was that I be willing to give up an unlimited amount of things for him, just out of the fact that I loved him. Which is impossible of course. What could he give me in return?

He has a great life in Europe. He’s got rich parents, a car, and a bachelor’s degree without a debt. And his father’s credit card with an impossible limit. His parents can purchase his experiences for him, mine wouldn’t. Not that they couldn’t, they wouldn’t. And in a way I’m glad. It’s made me into the person that I am, and it’s given me a chance to introduce people like Chris into my life, which I do not regret in any way and am in fact rather glad for.

xoxox