Thick Headed

Ethan called me thick-headed. He went, ‘actually I miss talking to you, and I miss your thick-headedness’. This better be because his English sucks, and not because he really thinks I am. Because he can go to hell if he meant it. I wasn’t the dumb-ass who decided there was going to be a trail through the mountains in a fucking under-developed island in SEA, and I was definitely not being a dumb-ass dumping him. He doesn’t know anything. And hey, emotions can be fucked around with, why you like someone can change; in my case, it’s by the hour. Like for example, I can be feeling really shit up about Martine dumping me that day for something else, but I’ll go meet my girlfriends and get shit-faced, and he wouldn’t matter all that much then. But the thing is, when ‘m in his presence, I’m just dying to become completely part of him, and you can’t fuck around with that. Your head may play mind-fuck with itself, but the good old olfactory sensory equipment and the humidity gauge in between my legs don’t lie. You just know it. Anyway, he breathes with his mouth. My god, I can’t stand that.

Ah yes, M dumped me today. We were supposed to meet for coffee, and I’d made plans for it, but he shat on me (not literally, thank god) and said he’d problems. Which of course pissed me off, because I was already half-way there, and I’d asked him earlier if he’d really want to meet me. That guy is a mess. He says he is all the time, and I finally believe it. I mean, for Christ-sakes, if you’re half-assed about meeting me, if other things would matter more then meeting me, then don’t say you really want to see me when I ask you if you’d like to do it another day. It wasn’t even as if I was putting him in a tight spot.

But screw that. I ended up having a lovely night, filled with another lovely lady, and a very compassionate man who’s at least got his shit together, and if not, well hell, I tied them all up with several meters of rope.

Christ, I’ve got so much fucking things to do, and I’ve got a life to live. And the truth is, I don’t mind making time for Martine, I love to do that, it’s just that I wish he’d … put himself together. You can’t be living for people all the time. And it’s annoying when you say you’d like to see someone, when you’re not absolutely damn sure your going to do it. And even if you’re not damn sure, just do it because you said you would! That’s what I would do anyway. Even if I were dead beat, I’d do something if I knew it meant a lot to that individual, just because I promised. I may not be in a completely good mood, but if he’d let me just be myself, I’ll be suitably well-tempered. But don’t say you will just because you think it’ll make me feel better. Just. Don’t.

I’m only tolerating all this because well, he can’t see that, but I’m not going to be around forever, and he’s not going to be around for me forever. And it’s not all peachy, but it’s part of what makes it so raw and real, and I like that. I’m not any worse of for it, I really am not. Fine, if you don’t want to meet me, there are other incredible people that don’t mind playing second fiddle (and I wish I didn’t have to make them do that) But I think he’s worse off for not making more of me.

*shrugs*

What does it matter.

xoxox