Not Fair

I’m supposed to be IT. I don’t want people, they want me. I’ve no need for them, no one should be making my heart race, no one should be able to give me that popcorn roasting in my tummy sort of feeling, no one (god-fucking forbid!) should be able to make me feel *gasp* desperate.

But he Does. I don’t know why or how, but he just does. The weird thing’s that I’m able to tell him that, and it doesn’t change anything. I don’t suppose he likes me any less knowing that I’m just dying to know he wants me. I told him I was desperate; that’s the way I feel, and I don’t see why anyone should dare make fun of it. And I’m glad he doesn’t.

I’m glad I have him. I don’t think most other men could make sense of it. I know most of all the other ex-booties go, ‘desperate’ with nasty sarcasm when a girl wants them too badly. If Martine were like that, I don’t think I’d even want to give a dime about him.

I’m glad he isn’t, and I’m glad there’s someone who makes me feel like I’m 14, because that’s how everyone should feel when they’re in love. And isn’t that just the most amazing, psychedelic feeling in the whole wide world. All other men can make me feel anything from hey-dude-lets-grab-a-few-beers-how-are-the-latest-conquests to euphoric blissfulness (I-cannot-believe-I’m making-love-to-you-again).

Martine’s something else. Being with him alone, naked, lying on top of him feels like this should be it. This is all there is to everything. Something completely out of reality, like nothing else could possibly matter. And if he’d just want to take everything of me - which I’m more then willing to give; which also means he’d be completely responsible, and that’s sadly the reality of things, because it’s something he cannot imagine doing to a girl my age. If that, then that’ll be all the reality I need.

It’s really quite a bit of nonsense, I know. We’ve completely agreeable personalities in bed and in the quiet moments outside the necessity of reality. But I have no damn idea how he is around people, because in the half a year I’ve just about known him, we’ve only made it outside the bedroom about half a dozen times. And all on exclusive dates.

No matter. I'm thinking of begging him to take a fortnight off in June to go to Europe. Suicidegirls's scheduled something in a lovely piece of countryside and I'd really like to go. If not, then I'd just resort to Chris. If still not, I'll just use my own money (if I have enough) and see if I can persuade the G-Spot to go. I miss the bloke.

Ah well. I’m just glad he desires me. I asked him to tell me so and he did. Now I can work in peace.

xoxox