I Am One Big Comprimise

Oh I am so bad at lying. Greg totally knew someone came over, and I couldn’t have kept it away from my face at any rate. Sure, I’m not honest all the time, I eat grape from the grocery store that I haven’t paid for, and spit the seeds out on the floor or something like that, but that’s just it.

Oh well, we all learn. I haven’t broken my word in a long, long time. Yes I was drunk, but that I suppose isn’t much of excuse. But when you’re drunk, well, a lot of things get comprimized in the bid to get laid. It’s not excuse, and I couldn’t have helped it, but I didn’t which also meant that I couldn’t, because if I did, I would have. But why didn’t I? I’d be damned if I knew.

Maybe it was fate. Maybe it really is better this way. He shouldn’t be messing around with me anyway, his wife was starting to get suspicious. Perhaps that’s just an excuse, and perhaps that’s the will of God. I breeched his trust, but he’s no longer cheating on his wife. Whom in a way I guess, he loves. Perhaps he doesn’t mean a lot to me in the big scheme of things, and I did matter to him, no one took Sue into the equation. Sure women know when they’re being cheated on, everyone the hell knows when their being cheated on, people are just bad with cheating, especially when it goes beyond ‘just sex’.

What does anything matter? I couldn’t have gone back to his place anyway. Not after what I did. I felt too much like one big unscrupulous compromise. I don’t normally break my word, not when I say it when I really mean it (all those times where I said I would in school just to get out of trouble does not count, because I didn’t want to say it in the first place). I had mostly myself to answer to, and of course I cannot do that. And I can’t run away from myself, can I. The best I can do is to forget anything happened at all.

And once again, isn’t it just amazing how people come into your life, and then leave, and it was as if all that you shared didn’t exist. And the future you thought might materialize because you did share something… fire catches on easily, doesn’t it, and everything burns so completely.

xoxox