Blogs Are Strange

Blogs are strange things. We read them because we want respite from the contrite from of entertainment the media feeds us, piled high with stereotyped diversities (SAP-single-sex-school educated Chinese girl, guitar-loving-disaffected-family-orientated-Malay-Boy, Super-Smart-Med-School-freshmen-Indian-Boy… It suddenly occurred to me that I do not actively remember any Chinese Boy characters on the English programs. But with exotic lookers like Keagan Kang and Utt –that VJ has something going on. When people can recognize who you are upon the mention of only your first name, like Elvis and Jesus and Hitler… you’ve got something coming on there).

But we end up stereotyping the people behind the blogs anyway. Teo Paik Choo effectively labels me as Smart Trash, can’t remember her exact words as written in the New Paper, but it went something along the lines of high intelligence coupled with low morality. I beg to differ. Without meaning to sound too egocentric, I believe I have do have a substantial amount of smarts (enough anyway to get on to a course that was highly sought after this year at NTU- it’s the way Singaporean people like to measure IQ, isn’t it) but I seriously doubt I have low morals. It’s completely irrelevant, likening embracing my sexuality with being morally deranged.

It’s just like saying obeying the Ten Commandments or any other religious directives can make you a ‘moral’ person. Bullshit. It makes you a religious social conformist, which is good in many ways, because it stops people from stealing stuff from grocery stores and arbitrarily murdering the owner; but that doesn’t make anyone honorable. Religious directives keep society in check, but do not have much in the way of making individual people better folks. Things like ‘Love your Enemies’ are the stuff that cultivates true morality. Not converting your neighbour’s wife is a necessary evil to keep the community in place and sane (as all that watch Desperate Housewives would know), but there’s nothing truly moral about that. You shouldn’t be taking things that aren’t yours in the first place. But a whole lot of good that does your own wife if you didn’t give a damn about her. In my opinion, better a cheating husband then an unloving one. Cheating husbands can still be loving; we all have our weaknesses.

Okay, so I’m a serial fornicator. I got bored at the bookstore today and the Princess said she’d be about Great World City. Élan lives around the corner, and I thought it would be fun to hit the sack while her Majesty minded her own business and then met her for dinner after that. Anyway, London got bombed, so he couldn’t leave work because of a soon to be London stock fluctuation (no idea, I’m not a ruthless blonde haired blue eyed money Machiavelli- But whatever it is, I certainly hope his mates are all-right. I'd say more. Only I don't know what to say. I'm still trapped in a bit of a stunned silence watching the news...)

I thought about it while reading C.S. Lewis’s Four Loves, and realized that the sort of sexual desire I normally have has nothing to do with what my body wants, but rather what I want. There’s a difference, and it lies in the fact that I could either fuck anybody at all, to satisfy my flesh, or that I wanted to make love to one particular individual, because I desired him. Not what he has, but him. The idea of him. And that is what desire is. It’s not some animal instinct, I highly doubt animals without an evolved consciousness have desires, so desire cannot be about sex and only sex.

The other day my mother asked me if I even liked the guys I slept with. Of course I liked them, I like them a lot for the people they are, and that’s the only reason for wanting to sleep with them. (Allright, occasionally I do it because they want to so much I cannot possibly refuse. Which is normally a really very stupid thing to do for your psychological health).

But when the person you want cannot (for reasons of work, another girl or just not being in the same country) want you all the time, and a long attention span hasn’t been one of Creation’s gifts to you… Then it just seems right that no one should force you to attempt to stay miserable in lack and want (for the Lord is my Shepard).

And blogs are one of those strange things that are all at once a very private thing (because it’s meant to chronicle how you feel) yet very public, because nearly anyone can access it. Unless your server is blocked by some of the higher powers that be. And these things play tricks on your mind, and sometimes I write like a freak staring back on my own life, reporting the feelings to an audience that expects and criticizes but also thankfully, sometimes encourages.

And we’re all turning into parodies of specific human characters, and turning other people into them to. Because in MTV’s The Real World, that’s how ‘real people’ behave. ‘Real people’ can be compartmentalized. Their morals can be easily judged. Their intelligence can be defined by the number of A’s they got out of Junior College. Their place in Heaven can be guessed by how well they obey some indoctrinated religiosity.

That’s how real people live.

And I AM trying to rationalize my behaviour, always, because it is better then not knowing why I do the things I do.

xoxox