This is great. I’ve finally gotten my mom’s laptop to function properly, after months of her not letting me access the administrator account because it had a couple of pointless word documents in it she hadn’t touched for a few months herself either; and had plain forgotten about them anyway. Until I get my metric card and a significant discount on the Powerbook I really, desperately want, this ASUS thing will have to suffice. It’s pretty good actually, if I discount the fact that it’s so bloody slow. My Desktop is built like a truck with 900 horse-power (useless information gleaned of the occasional truck obsessed Russian). The good thing about this bitch’s that she accepts the high-speed USB hub my Desktop for some reason had a problem with, which is great. Because now I can Skype with web-cam, mike and headphones while simultaneously waiting for pornographic comics to scan themselves in my ratty old flat-bed (once rather trés chic. Really. Oh and as I watch DVDs by guys like John Waters where Divine gets to eat a turd.
I made a deal with Richard yesterday. I’d come back from seeing this other guy I’d been seeing nearly just about for as long as I can remember (I’ve never mentioned him previously) and he was unhappy. Of course you’d think I’m nuts to presume he wouldn’t be, but he’d known about this relationship even before the first night we’d slept together, and we’d talk about it, and I’d talk about Him, and Richard really seemed alright with the whole deal to me. The way I see it, he’s not in direct competition. And since I have absolutely no problems with him sleeping with someone else, as long as I know the girl and like her, he’s honest about his dealings with her, and at the end of the day, he’s into me as a person more than he is into her, what do I give a fuck. I’ve spent most of the last two years dating guys that I didn’t expect to be exclusive. Man, if all girls just go through relationships knowing that exclusivity from a guy is a luxury, and it’s nice to have it but alright if you don’t, there’s be a lot more happier people out there. Possession, now that’s a devil. I mean, I never had a problem knowing Ethan slept with a bunch of other girls while we were separated; in fact, I found it quite irritating that he would not tell me more about the girl he’d started shagging not long after he’d left SEA. I never had a problem with Martine having a girlfriend he was really putting in a great deal of his time, money and emotional sanity into and fucking me about (alright, I fucked myself up too, but it really does take two hands to clap). I could go on. There was no one single relationship I had been in that was completely exclusive. The important thing to me is of course honesty, and that’s why Chris and I couldn’t work out and why phone conversations with Ethan are tedious. There was this whole part of my life that I was hiding, because they didn’t want to hear about it, and most of the interesting shit that happen to me that are actually fun to talk about is weird things like what I did last night.
Which is normally quite entertaining because I do stuff dress up in several meters of rope with my hands tied snugly behind my back and a hang-man’s noose around my neck, being led around as Richard’s pet. (We did stop at a petrol station along the way to pick up some juice with a friend, and Richard had started spanking me in the mart) Or how I go so wasted and bored with the strippers at the party that didn’t strip past their underwear I had to take of my pants and run around in Jockey thongs for awhile before some people got pissed. I thought someone told me something weird like, ‘My boyfriend doesn’t like it’ so I better put on my panties kinda bullcrap.
Nah, the inability for sexual monogamy’s no big fucking deal to me. I mean, it can hardly be a big deal to someone who lists mega-fucking at a rock concert as on of her ultimate fantasies, given such things like STDs didn’t exist. What would really break my heart I suppose would be lying to me about something, of deceiving me about something that matters. Nothing is more terrible in a relationship then miscommunication. I think the big issue with most people when they find out that their partner has been cheating on them is mostly due to insecurity; ‘What’s wrong with me that he has to sleep with someone else?’ That’s the real problem.
On my part, I’d just find it kinda amusing if my boyfriend slept with one of my friends. And if the girl gets a spanking good time (as I am sure she would) I’d even be happy for her. I’ve tried to get Élan to sleep with some of my girlfriends previously just because I thought he was cool, a lot of fun, and generally all round nice guy. So I know for a fact it doesn’t matter to me. It’s not like I’m trying to convince myself I should be alright with it because that’s the way women in this day and age of sexual liberation should behave.
Anyway, I’ve never felt the need to be monogamous, and it would have been terribly unfair to demand it when you aren’t into the whole deal yourself. Practice what you preach la, and if you can’t practice, don’t preach. That’s why I find so many people here full of shit when they say I’m a pervert like it was a really bad thing, because they’ve all had perverse fantasies before. Especially if they play ultra violent computer games. I mean, how natural is it to spend several hours a day trying to shoot off your mates on a computer screen and getting pleasure out of that? Nearly as natural as it is to fantasize fucking all your friends in the mosh pit with Marilyn Manson screaming ‘I am the God of Fuck’ on stage, that’s for sure. I’m not the bigot, you are.
But! This relationship with Richard is definitely worth some compromises, so I promised him I wouldn’t sleep with anyone else unless and until he was genuinely comfortable with the situation, as long as he went to church with me on Sundays.
Last night was completely weird, and I’m not talking about arriving in a party with your hands bound behind your back. I mean, that sort of shit happens all the time, and it’s just kinda outrageous and fun, but doesn’t mean anything much, really.
He came home just after I did asking how my day was, and I told him about the afternoon, and it seemed alright for awhile until he got really quiet and clammed up from me. Which just kinda made me feel shitty, and I was wondering what the hell did I do wrong, or did he have something not too nice to tell me like he’d developed a long dormant case of herpes or something and that chances are, I would probably have it too; perhaps I gave it to him. That kinda bullshit. I had been absolutely convinced that another sexual relationship on the side wouldn’t bother him. I mean, sex has been for the last couple of years for me mostly just an extension of a friendship, and it really does bring most relationships to a whole different level, and you get to understand people in a way you otherwise wouldn’t. But most people shouldn’t try and use that as an excuse to sleep around I suppose, because most people already have problems understanding the simple things about people that they have to stick to mundane topics like hand phones. I often wonder about the sort of half-assed relationship really dumb couples have. You know the sort of partnering between a girl whose ultimate dream is to own something that is both simultaneously shiny and fluffy at the same time and a guy that doesn’t do anything really but say… watch soccer on TV and data entry during the day to buy the latest Salsa mix from Kraft to have with the chips and the TV. I mean, man, even my sister can love her friends more interestingly. But maybe that’s the problem with society today; maybe we place too many intellectual demands from something that wasn’t really meant to be intellectual in the first place. Ignorant couples can love very well I suppose, if ignorance is bliss.
He said something like, ‘You know, maybe you shouldn’t come around as often…’ And my heart totally sank. It as only momentarily, but I really have very little tolerance for bullshit like that anymore. I’m sick of guys always trying to look out for themselves and push me out of their lives because they’re afraid of falling in love. Richard’s been the only one to give me a real chance in a long time, and I’m not going to blow it and I hope he doesn’t either. I don’t think I’ve ever really talked about how I eventually dumped my ex, but what happened was that I just got completely sick of him dumping me and getting me back because he presumed our relationship was going to get no where. If you want to look at things like that, you might as well fucking kill yourself now, because your whole life really isn’t going to go anywhere. You’ll die eventually. Life is for living, the day wasn’t given to you so that you could plan for tomorrow. It was given so you could live now. And you live it so well you want another day where you can experience the same sort of brilliance, so you put some time and thought aside to plan a little.
The guy whose bedroom I got locked in, Hugo, because his way of dealing with relationships completely rings of Nin’s long suffering husband, particularly in Henry and June said to me the morning after the fuck up with Chris that it was better to love and have lost, then to never love at all. I’d heard if before of course, but it’s such an old-fashioned, sentimental cliché no one these days ever really pays much attention to it anymore. Especially not pseudo literati types like me, I suppose. But he’d said it to me and it’s never really left my conscious since.
Even when I’m really drunk, I’m mostly not driven by lust when I do sleep with someone. There’s always been something about the people I’ve slept with that I could really relate to, and it was never pointless. I suppose I was just looking for someone out there whom I could really click with on every possible level, and I think I’ve found him in Richard. He felt a little guilty after telling me not to come round so much anymore because he kinda presumed that it was more natural for me not to be monogamous then it was. I personally think he’s right. I don’t believe we were biologically hardwired for monogamy, and some day I would probably like to sleep with someone else, but he’d have to be comfortable with it first. Because honestly, his happiness means more to me than a fresh lay. And I think it’s terribly sad when people don’t do things for someone that they care about just because they want to sleep around. Of course there comes in the dichotomy of me shaping my value system after my parents, because I certainly love them. But you know, I look into myself and I know that I’m happier with Richard being comfortable with my sexual habits then I will be if I didn’t give up the bits that he wasn’t. It was bothering me the entire night, and I thought, you know what, fuck that. I’ll just go to church, and something will come up. Something will come up and it will be so clear as an answer to my dilemma that I will know it.
And the pastor did say one tiny little line that most people probably didn’t take particular note of. But it hit me, and I knew it. There are some things that are worth giving up, even at a present cost, for better rewards in the future. And it’s not like it’s very difficult to give up sleeping with other people. I just didn’t previously because I didn’t see the need to. I’m normally not sold to the give up the present for the future kinda bull shit, but this really is not about giving up the present anyway.
But as for my parents, the reason why I’ve never shaped my value system after theirs is mostly because I know it would have done me no good as a person. I’m very much different from them, and what worked for them couldn’t have worked for me. Decisions should come easily and naturally. If you have to think too long about something, then it’s really better if you just don’t do it, because you’re not entirely sure from the start, that’s why you had to think so bloody long about it. That is, given you already know your stuff.
I’m bored with this monologue with myself really, and school starts tomorrow. I can scarcely believe it. Lunch today was absolutely hilarious, and R was drawing cocks on the Tim Sum menu (you know how those places have disposable menu/table mat things made out of paper that’s plain on the other side). My dad didn’t like it and told him off. Which was kinda funny, because if I think about it, he’s not that much younger then they are. And he’s probably drawing cocks around people much older then my mom and dad, so it probably didn’t occur to him that he shouldn’t. But hey, my parents are cool with him, and anyway, by dad has something against Botticelli’s Venus.
xoxox
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