Fear or Laziness.

First proper workout in ages. As opposed to running around the city at a leisurely pace. I don't feel all that out of shape, but weeks of drinking far too much has done its damage on my strength. It's quite amazing what a little bit of intense exercise can make you see. For example, the first thing I realized was that I am bullshitting myself if I continue to think things will work out if I slosh on at this pace.

To be brutally honest to myself, I feel I've been giving me far too many excuses to be lazy. I know what I want to do, and I really need to do it, one thing at a time. Usually, guys don't say jackshit when they come. Maybe they make a face, or say my name, or slap me int he face if I slap them first, but there was just this once where Mr. X whispered right after we made love, "you think the prison is without, but it's in you."

I wasn't offended, I just felt slightly afraid. If, and when, we fail, I know it to be all of our own making. All attractive women can't help but use their charms sometimes to make their life easier, I do it all the time, I can't help it. I mean, of course I don't waste my time on men that I feel don't contribute anything to the way I think and see the world etc. But somewhere inside I'm shit scared of falling into that trap. You know. The one where an intelligent, beautiful girl with loads of potential becomes an ordinary, ordinary woman. *Shudder* I cannot stand laziness, and I cannot stand falling short, and I cannot stand being deluded... and I cannot stand it when I see these thing glimmering in myself.