Mr. Big can get quite puritanical at times, and totally against my grain of morality. Presuming that I have any strong direction in the first place of course. We had a perfectly boring conversation about places to have sex in. He didn’t have any particular preference, but doing it in public places is always fun. Mine was theatre backstage of course.
Then it was the church thing. You know, the Church thing. Everyone seems to want to have sex in a church, or maybe I’m just hanging with the spiritually amoral these days.
“I would have sex in a church. I never really thought about it, but now that you ask, I would.” I told him.
I have fantasized about it, many times, but that was eons ago when making out in public places was still necessary since I couldn’t make out at home, or at whoever-it-was’s place. The parentals were never too keen on it, for all their libertine qualities. And it was back when I was still attending a church with a real sanctuary, the classical sort that’s mostly roof and made from slanted panels of wood. I forgot about it for many years, possibly because I started attending one of those modern places of worship not very unlike a cinema theatre. And also because my spiritual direction switched from one of being-forced-to (who wants to spend their Sundays listening to scripture that tells them what they already know? Which would be that they were constantly being punished for their own good and because they deserve it.) to one of because-it-feels good.
I used to listen to Manson (both Marilyn and Shirley) at top volume during the sermon till it pissed my parents off so incredibly much they excluded me from their Sunday Morning rituals. I obviously had no respect for the religion, and wanted to go to hell, because it looked like a great deal more fun. So sex in a church was (un)naturally appealing under all circumstances, as long as they were confined to my imagination. And appealing always in reality as long as there were no one around. The most sacrilegious aspect of it was that, at this time, I was in the sanctuary a great deal. Most certainly, I was spiritually confused. Yeah, on one hand I hated listening to sermons, yet on the other, it gave me great pleasure to attend care meetings and be criticized on a personal level for my behaviour, and constantly tell myself I would be a better girl after each time (never succeeding of course). There was something so redeeming in being chastized by someone else, along with being told what I had to do to redeem my character. It was as if I were being punished for my deliverance, and it was satisfying, because people simply love to deserve their own salvation (People love to work for things, for some strange reason. We’re all masochistic like so.) It was also fun to listen to other people’s confessions.
Mr. Big told me I was being absolutely blasphemous, and that my thoughts showed no respect what so ever. And to my own faith too.
‘It’s not a place I’m hell-bent to have sex in. I wouldn’t do it for the sake of doing it, but if the opportunity happens to occur, it wouldn’t bother me. (Depending on the context it’s done in of course).’
Namely, I wouldn’t do it on the alter, nor will I degrade any holy symbolism. But sex is sex, and at that point in time in all that physical exaltation, who cares where it is. But even as I said all that junk, I had a sense that it was wrong, at the same time feeling like if I were in the situation, I wouldn’t feel like it were wrong. I don’t have any answers for myself of course, and it doesn’t bother me. Chances are, It’s never going to happen.
‘But can you NOT do it. It’s not big deal, so don’t.’
‘Well, someone’s full of absolute morality.’ I derided.
‘We need that sometimes.’
‘But human nature is so variable, and the nature of the situations we get in are of infinite possibility. To apply a singular law to each an every one, and in ever situation is just not sensible.’ (I had to say that.)
‘Don’t you think it’s precisely because human nature is so variable, and subjected to the whimsical that we need absolute morality? You, most of all.’
And since I am so open to correction, I could not disagree. He did have a point.
However, here’s my take on absolute morality, from a very charismatic point of view. That it is in place to bring out our sin. Because the truth is, it is absolutely impossible to conform to absolute morality. And since the Christian faith is all about the acceptance of grace, then it would make sense for us to give up hope on ourselves and be entirely open to grace as the only form of redemption.
Yes indeed, you may go ahead and think about what sort of bullshit am I spewing since being under grace doesn’t seem to make me any more moral then the local whores.
But hey, let him who has not sinned cast the first stone.
And I still find the idea of making impassioned love in a Byzantine cathedral right after I kiss the groom terribly romantic. (I’ll remember to go for hymen reconstruction first of course!)
xoxox
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