Drunk

Fuck. Have you ever tried to be drunk for 24 whole fucking hours? Well, I'm fucking drunk and it feels good. Yes i was rejected. I cannot comprehend rejection. Sometimes all the sex appeal in the world is simply just not enough in the face of responsibility. I respect him. He's amazing. He's so full of integrity. And me? I'm just a mad kid who doesn't know what she's living for. That's the problem with living for the moment, sometimes the moment strikes you with the feeling like life is a pain, and nothing matters, and all you want to do is die.

But I couldn't kill myself. I'm too much of a coward. And I'm too much of a narcissist. They might compliment each other some day, and I might just die because I cannot comprehend how people cannot love me. And I cannot stand people not loving me.

I wanted him to cut me. I wanted him to make a beautiful, perfect wound down my back, but he said he'd get into trouble if he did. I have no idea why. Then he left me alone, all fucking alone, and I stuffed my face with M n M's The ones with the peanuts in them and listened to Dido and did it myself. I scared the hell out of my sister. The wounds are ugly. I smoked 3 cigarettes. I've not smoked in a long time. And my thighs have all the marks of being abused for an ash-tray.

When you're drunk, you just can't face up to people you've never seen naked. Because so much of what you are feels like it's emerged onto the surface of your skin. And it's as if every single fucking person can see what you really are. And you can't bear it, because so much of you is ugly. And they are all hiding their ugliness, and it just isn't fair. I hate letting other people see me when I'm not made up to be what I want them to see me as.

Confident, beautiful, assertive, the alpha female.

Insecure, horribly grotesque, perfectly in need to be forced down on my knees and have a dick in my mouth.

Please abuse me. I'm so sick of abusing everyone else. Punish me, please on please oh please.

xoxox