***
Atonement

I bought it in 2001 and didn't start reading it till now. It's a very good book; McEwan explores facets of the human psyche very well, and tells a compelling, poignant tale with a main character that uncannily resembles me at certain points in the novel. But then again, I suppose anyone can find an identity within someone in the cast of characters he has created.

The novel disturbs me on a psychological-emotional level and makes me go, at certain points, 'so that's why I feel that way.' And the best thing about it is how he portrays human behaviour like it is: predictable.

At the end of the day, all that clap trap about value systems and morality, it doesn't matter. I realized I lost focus one of my most central beliefs in the past couple of days. Elliot's tone was wrong when she said that favourable chance is the god of all men who follow their own devices instead of obeying a law they believe in. Sometimes the best guidance anyone can have is through desire. Values knock us into shapes and onto paths we don't want to follow, and end up miserable following. At least (or so I'd like to believe) if I did what I wanted to, because I wanted to do it, and didn't turn out happy in the end, it was because I had felt like it, and not because some unknown entity called Mr. Value System forced me.

I AM rambling I suppose.

I suppose one of the reasons why I'm so enamored with the Boy (and I suppose in a different sort of adoration altogether, Mr. Grant) is the fallibility, which would naturally equate to a sort of humanity I don't get to see in so many people, with their silly facades that serve no purpose aside from according them this frustrating veneer of artificial superior morality. (Ah, they have my unwanted sympathy).

Someone sent me a strange email (pertaining to the boy) about how I was kidding myself. (Romance? You're really just an easy lay, girl.) I don't know who he is, but judging from the address, it sounded rather local (sorry, I simply can't get over my aversion for local boys I don't know, despite weeks of blog-therapy. I’ll easily admit they are guilty in my sight until proven innocent.) Such lack for romantics and impulse! And that pseudo-jaded signing off (Been there, done that -insert very boring name in-).

They think they know everything; possibly because they know too little to start of with. And when your thoughts are so small and selfish and wholly unto themselves and consider not enough of what other people feel; I can't blame them for their reclusive narrow-mindedness now, can I.

Do you perceive to know what we talk about under the sheets and over peach custard; the conversations I insist upon in spite of unnatural hours due to the functioning of the international time zone, or how I like the way he kisses and particularly the way he does it?

It's just another relationship like any other. I'm not expecting it to be eternal, I'm not expecting anything at all. And that's a start, because expectation will always make you a failure in your own sight.

xoxox