***
Falling into Gutters

It's such a fabulous day today for feeling upset. It's been drizzling quite a bit since late morning, and that always makes me start wondering about things like my self-worth and living in the moment, and other nonsense like that. I don't think about the former very much any more though, but it used to be a reliable topic for musing on when I was an adolescent. I’d just sit around for ages trying to figure out if other people were worth as much as I was. If they were nearly as sentient as I was.

Did what they think matter? If the adults yelled at me, were they really yelling at me, or was it just some flaw in the mechanism; Did they have thoughts like mine, and if so, what do I care if they did. Why should someone else’s thoughts matter to me?

And then I thought that I thought too much and wished there were some way I could just blank out my mind and look at things as they were. As if they were linked to no memories, with no pasts, no images that linger in my mind. You can do it for awhile, but you can’t sustain it. Maybe 3 minutes, and then you start thinking about how horrid life is. What a real drag it can be, with all its funny little shits, dumping so many things upon your shoulders.

Why must we wear clothes.
I feel the weight of my blouse.

It’s a simple little inconvenience that makes you realize how everything’s just out there to dump things onto you. Dump clothes on our backs and food into our stomachs and unwanted memories into our minds.

***
I was not correct with what I said in yesterday’s post. But I’m not wrong either.
Sexual history has got so little to do with marriage. I’m bored with the topic already, so I’ll let it rest.

***
Someone called me an inconsequential little shit today.
Nice to know.
But people who are has-beens are like that. They have my unwanted sympathy.
I did try my very best to be nice, I really, really did.

I’m in no mood whatsoever to talk about anything dirty. Of course something dirty happens everyday in my life.

I’m a junkie, and I can’t live without it.

***

Right now, I’d like to buy a plane ticket to see the boy and hope the plane crashes while I’m at it.

xoxox